affair recovery
in Atlanta, GA
affair recovery
[see also: infidelity & betrayal trauma]
1. understanding root causes behind infidelity & betrayal of trust
2. a combination of one-on-one and couples sessions to support healing
3. movement towards open communication & continuous repair
the problem
I just learned my spouse had an affair.
what do I do now?
The pain of discovering an affair is earth-shattering. The entire life you have built suddenly feels like a lie. You feel humiliated.
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In many cases, the exposure of the affair jolts everything to attention. Your mind is flooded with questions. You want to know all of the details - and you also hate everything that you do learn. Or, you are furious with the ongoing deception as your spouse continues to hide or minimize information.
You may be considering saving the relationship, but mostly, you simply won't know what you want to do. You feel shame and embarrassment for considering staying in the relationship - but you feel a great sense of loss and uncertainty in leaving.
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As an affair recovery therapist, I am here to support you through challenging questions with unconditional support and no bias towards a certain outcome.
how does affair recovery work?
Phase I: History & Immediate Needs
When you first arrive, we will do an in-depth relationship assessment - from your first day meeting, through your marriage's ups and downs, and finally to the details of the affair. This can be done in one extended session (90-100 minutes) or be divided into two separate sessions (45-50 minutes each).
We'll address the immediate questions that impact your day-to-day functioning. Should we sleep in the same bedroom, or separate? How do we tell the kids that something is wrong? Should friends and family know? How do we interact with each other when every day is an emotional roller coaster?
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Phase II: Support Systems
This is where we make sure that both spouses have the support that will be needed for this process. I often say that affair recovery work is similar to surgery. It is intense, and it will be exhausting. You are already in an emotionally drained state, after all.​
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For the wounded spouse, we want to identify the persons in your life that can be a source of safety and comfort. People who will not try to sway you in one direction or the other if you are not ready. For the wounding spouse, we want to know what individuals are available as a source of accountability as you end your emotional or sexual affair. We will also identify spiritual mentors, therapists or support groups that can be helpful for further processing.
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Phase III: Deep Dive
This is the "surgery" part I mentioned. There are three layers to be addressed: (a) the impact of the betrayal itself, (b) the impact of the deception on the overall trust and attachment in the relationship, and (c) the unaddressed cracks in the foundation of the marriage. ​​
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Affair recovery is hard because it requires supernatural patience of the wounding spouse and supernatural healing of the wounded spouse. Each day is a decision to communicate, to understand, and to repeat (again and again). A high amount of emotional stamina is needed, but in doing the work, the spouses may discover a tender core to the relationship that didn't previously exist. Something truly worth fighting for, worth staying for.
the work
the result
how long does affair recovery take?
can we save our marriage?
Rebuilding shattered trust cannot have a quick fix. This is a years-long process. This is not to say that you'll be in weekly therapy for a year, no. But expect triggers (reminders of the betrayal) to continue to arise months and years after the discovery an affair.
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The first year of therapy can help both spouses consciously decide, "do I believe in this relationship enough to stay and continue investing?
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In a successful relationship, reminders of the betrayal and handled with open communication from the wounded spouse and steadfast, gentle accountability from the wounding spouse.
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The spouses will understand the history of the marriage and the ways that intimacy and trust could have been improved over the years. They will own their immaturities and actively chart a path forward that will yield satisfying and continuous investment into the relationship.
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Addictions and dysfunctional patterns will be extracted so that they do not repeat in the future. Boundaries are established - not just to appease emotions, but because both partners believe in them.
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The innocence of untested trust can never look fully the same - but a new, durable form of trust and commitment is built over time.
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Time is a crucial factor in repairing betrayal of trust.
Affair Recovery FAQ
1 / Will affair recovery help me discover why they cheated?
Most betrayal stories are not "straightforward" in a way that can pinpoint one specific reason for betrayal. After all, there should be no reason for betrayal, right? But the deep work of affair recovery is meant to unearth weakness areas or holes that made distance and betrayal possible to begin with, while also exploring the roots of the betrayal itself.
2 / How often should we meet for affair recovery therapy sessions?
In the beginning (especially if discovery was less than 6 months ago), you should expect weekly frequency of sessions to provide stability. These sessions may be couples, or a combination of couples and individual work. The main goal is to support the destabilizing pain that betrayal trauma has caused.
3 / Can we do affair recovery if the affair happened years ago?
Yes, of course. It is not uncommon that couples attempted to deal with the aftermath of an affair years ago, but never truly dug to the root cause or pain. In these cases, it is as if the relationship is frozen in a state of distance - but goes through the motions of "normal life" until something else brings the original pain back to the surface. In affair recovery, we will dive deep to thoroughly address your history of hurt in the relationship.
4 / I don't believe that my spouse has stopped their affair. Can we address this in therapy?
In order for affair recovery to be successful, the affair cannot be presently active. If the injuring spouse is unsure if they want to end their affair (or unwilling), it would be best to pursue individual therapy. This is to ensure that we don't begin healing work on such a raw wound - only to discover that the injury is still ongoing.
5 / I had the affair. How do I tell my spouse?
Disclosing your affair (without your spouse having to search or find out on their own) is the best route. We can begin with individual therapy to help you sort through the disclosure process prior to beginning couples therapy.
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