I Want to Stay in My Marriage; But How Do I Forget the Person I Had an Affair with?
- Sade Jovanne
- Jun 19
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 18
This is a very sensitive issue.
For the men and women who have been betrayed through infidelity - I encourage you to scroll past this post. It may be particularly triggering or upsetting.
For those who have cheated on their significant other and are now trying to correct course and repair the damage done by their actions, continue on with me. We need to have a serious conversation.
You can't un-ring a bell.
If you pursued and explored a connection with someone other than your spouse, you have exposed yourself to information that you otherwise would not have had. For example, your marriage may have been emotionally distant - so you got closer to someone else who would listen to you, affirm you or care for you in ways that your wife no longer did. Or your husband may have stopped taking care of himself physically, therefore leading to a bit of "turn off" in the attraction department - but you found a man in great shape who also seemed to know exactly how to touch your body.
This is dangerous information. You may start to wonder, "if X person can do this, why can't my spouse?" Or "it is so easy to talk to/connect with X, but it feels unnatural with my spouse."
An Affair Will Compound the Pre-Existing Relationship Issues
You were experiencing some level of dissatisfaction in your relationship prior to pursuing another person - but now the original difficulty that you were experiencing with your spouse will compound. Consider this snowball effect:
for years, you and your spouse started drifting - emotionally, sexually, or both
you have an affair with another person and learn new things about what you want that you don't currently share with your spouse
your spouse learns of the affair and is devastated
you must cut off everything with the other person (who you may or may not care about)
your spouse goes through deep grief, anger, confusion, and betrayal and needs your attention and care to mend the wound that you inflicted
no matter what you do, your efforts to repair do not seem to truly satisfy your spouse
your marriage is now primarily in a state of crisis - which is more intense than the original struggles you were experiencing
however, this time, you also have the information that an "easier" version of relationship exists elsewhere
you must now stay motivated to work on rebuilding trust + improving the marriage + resisting the urge to escape and find the easy route
So if you feel a bit at a loss of how to proceed, I want to validate that. This is hard...but the work can be done. Let's start by understanding the impact of what we are working with.
An Emotional Affair or Sexual Affair May Have Different Impact
Sexual Affairs
If your affair was primarily sexual, meaning you acted on physical cravings with a person (whether online or in real life), then you may be thinking that the "moving on" part doesn't apply to you. You may feel that, since there was no emotional connection and you had no intention of leaving your spouse, then there is nothing to recover from. You may have even tried to convince your partner of this.
But a sexual affair has its own brand of damage:
breaking fidelity and trust
lack of impulse control
exposing yourself and your partner to risk of STIs or extramarital pregnancy
acting on sexual interests that your significant other does not like and/or does not want to continue (which can breed feelings of resentment or comparison)
experiencing physical pleasure that won't be replicated with your spouse
In the process of recovery from a sexual affair, you'll need to acknowledge - to yourself and to your spouse - the consequences that came as a direct result of this open door. And it may be that you'll need to seek private counseling and support (whether in a group setting or through individual therapy) to further dive into the information that you learned about yourself within the sexual affair - so that you do not over-expose your spouse to information that they can't un-hear or un-know.
This is why beginning the process of couples counseling and affair recovery is so important. You'll be able to sit with a licensed therapist (like myself) who can guide you through the delicate surgery of disclosing details that your spouse may want to know - and identifying which bits of information may be more harmful than helpful.
Emotional Affairs
If your affair was primarily emotional - meaning no sexual/physical contact occurred, but conversations delved into themes that were vulnerable, personal, or inappropriate - then there is a unique flare to getting over this type of affair. Humans who connect with one another have the ability to form bonds of friendship or even a semblance of "family"-ship. Think of the friend that feels like a close brother or sister. At the most basic and pure core, humans should be able to connect without the inherent assumption of sexual charge.
But the problem is that this relationship wasn't just a friendship. A boundary was crossed. You may have not intended this or even realized that it was happening. If that's you, I hope that you are able to come forward and share this truth with your spouse - even though it will be wildly uncomfortable. Yes, they will be upset. Yes, they will feel broken trust. But even still, this is a much better outcome than for them to find this information on their own. We want to choose the most honest path possible. Disclosing as soon as you notice you've overstepped is your best fighting chance.
If, however, your spouse discovered the emotional affair on their own (or you shared the information after a relationship or attachment was already developed), the impact will be more severe. We are now dealing with two layers of hurt: the relationship itself + the deception/covering up.
Your next course of action should be ending the emotional affair and closing the channels of communication that would keep that relationship alive. If you leave the door open with the other person, this will sabotage your attempts at moving on and re-engaging with your marriage.
My Affair Was Both Emotional and Sexual
If your affair was both emotional and sexual, this is a very potent combination. Couples therapy will help you and your spouse walk through the decisions that led up to actions of infidelity - as well as honing in on why you choose to return to the marriage after developing another relationship.
The tricky part - and the part that you should not expect your spouse to have any empathy for - is that you will be going through the physiological and emotional experience of a breakup... except, it's a breakup for a relationship that never should have happened.
Expect a sense of isolation. If you are choosing your marriage, the affair relationship has to end. In this, you honor your spouse and the willingness to re-invest in the marriage. This means that, for a time period, you will be without the support of your spouse (their hurt will often manifest in pushing you away), and without the support of the person that you may have been secretly leaning on for months or more.
You should know that your spouse will experience very strong triggers and insecurities (rightfully so) about whether or not you actually want to be with them. Did you just stay because of the kids? Because it was financially convenient? If you truly loved this other person, why are you returning to be with me?
You can expect the recovery process to last years, not months, in a situation like this. It will involve individual therapy, affair recovery support groups (if available), and consistent couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in affair recovery.
So the question that your spouse may be asking you really becomes one that you should consider for yourself:
The recovery process will be difficult. Why do I want to save my relationship?
So... How Do I Forget the Person I Had an Affair With?
I should circle back to the original question: how do you do this?
Start by deciding where you will stand. Are you in, or are you out?
Decide what to do with your thoughts. Choose to direct your thoughts back into the relationship and into self-discovery work. Remove yourself from mental feedback loops that reinforce the affair. (This is, of course, easier said than done. Get into individual therapy)
Set up Supports: community surrounding you that will encourage you in the hard work of rebuilding your marriage. Community that will hold you accountable without shaming you.
Cut off contact. Contact can be active communication, or even old texts/photos/mementos that remind you of the affair. Anything that you hold that keeps that relationship alive will sabotage your progress of closing the chapter and moving on.
What's Next?
Therapy is the place to be. If you live in the Atlanta, GA area, you can schedule a 15-minute consultation with me to discuss beginning individual or couples therapy for your affair recovery journey. It's a long road, but it is possible when two individuals are motivated to seek honesty and open communication - even when it gets hard.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.