There is an intimacy that happens in therapy that is...palpable. This is the true answer that I want to give when couples ask, "will we make it?" This is the sign I want to point them to.
Beginning the therapeutic process, couples are not on the same team. There may be years of tension and unbroken ice. There is separation, frigidness, distance. There may be fights and arguments - or a lighthearted cordialness that masks unresolved conflict. There is usually an imbalance where both spouses are hurt - but they can't seem to see the other person. Two individuals, separate islands, an entire ocean between them.
They come to therapy because the distance has become unbearable. Whether it be because of persistent arguments or persistent silence, they no longer want to stay where they are. Sometimes they enter therapy in the beginning stages of drift - but more commonly, therapy begins after the problem has existed for years or decades. This is their "last ditch effort."
I tell couples that therapy is like surgery because I want to prepare them for the work that lies ahead. We are uncovering wounds that are years or decades old. We are diving into past arguments that show up in the present. We are exposing vulnerabilities, insecurities, and ways that we have contributed to the problem. It is an extremely vulnerable and delicate process.
Slowly Breaking Patterns in Couples Therapy
In between sessions, it may be uncomfortable to communicate. Couples try to protect the peace by avoiding any provoking topics. They enter the next session with nothing to report, because it was too challenging or overwhelming to break the ice on their own. This is very true; it is hard to take that step at home, in an uncontrolled environment. Or some couples find that even minor infractions or misunderstandings create huge blow-ups. All they can do is wait until their next therapy appointment to actually be seen and heard.
But eventually, they are able to have small wins. They can communicate about something without escalating to a 10/10 intensity...maybe just a 7/10...and on a really good day, just a 3/10 of intensity. And when misunderstandings do occur, the couple is able to return to an argument and apologize with true sincerity. They are able to hear each other a little more, bit by bit. Then another situation - a larger one - may interrupt the growth, and a couple feels that they have regressed simply because they had a difficult time managing it. In therapy, I take great honor in my role as the therapist to point out the differences in how they have handled challenging moments today versus months prior. To show that change exists, even in the struggle.
Couples have a hard time seeing or believing that change is happening. That's okay. I'm here to hold the hope for them. And eventually - they start to see the change for themselves. They are even able to acknowledge their spouse's change.
What Progress in Therapy Looks Like
This is a huge moment. Being able to see and acknowledge incremental change in the relationship or in the other person is probably the first sign of change that couples can clearly see. It's a bit more tangible. It's a bit more memorable.
But I'll tell you about my favorite moments of change in therapy. Whether it's for affair recovery, broken, trust, communication issues, parenting issues... there comes a moment where both partners are able to drop their guards and be completely vulnerable with each other. The energy in the room changes from defensiveness to a very fragile-but-sweet tenderness. They look at each other more intentionally. They turn their bodies to each other. They share an intimate and emotional thought out loud, risking the rejection that they may have feared in the recent past. And then....the other spouse listens. Takes them in. The other spouse steps into curiosity rather than internalizing and making the moment a personal attack.
It is truly sacred ground in couples therapy.
From here, the path forward may still have some of the same challenges, but it all feels different. Everything is approached differently. The sense of "we are a team" becomes more and more vivid, more and more true.
This is what progress looks like. I hope this can validate you if you are in the trenches right now with your spouse. The journey may take months or years - but the progress is happening throughout. If you are open to change, change will come.
about the author
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.
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