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A Letter to the Woman with Anxious or Avoidant Attachment

Hey, darling,

I just want you to know that this man is new.

You have just started dating, or you have met someone you are interested, and you're noticing that your avoidant or anxious attachment is being stirred up.

Again, I want you to remember that he is new.

He's new to your life. New to meeting you, learning you, discovering all of the beautiful and heroic and wonderful things that you have to offer.

He may be very much desired by you. He may be reminding you a bit of some of the past men in your life.

But - hear this, friend - he is not them. This man is not them.

This man is just arriving on the scene, where you still may be healing from wounds of your past. You are growing, becoming your true and fullest Self - but something about relationships reminds you of your sensitive scar tissue.

So you lash out. You attack. You become obsessive and preoccupied with getting what you want out of him. You check your phone incessantly, you over-analyze his actions and messages -


You shut down. You back away. You close into yourself, and can't decide between drawing close or cutting him off completely. You don't like this feeling, so you'd rather not feel it. Being alone is much safer.

I just want you to know that the chaos is a "check engine" light, letting you know that there is an internal misfiring that needs to be attended to. This is an opportunity to deepen your healing, to pair with a therapist in order to learn, in vivo, how to react differently to your attachment wounds in a way that doesn't continue the old pattern. The destructive pattern. The fruitless pattern that has kept you stuck.

Start counseling. Don't worry about making big decisions right now; take care of the hurt parts of yourself without expecting him - this new guy - to be your savior. Start counseling, feel your feelings, and emerge victorious.

I believe in you,



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