Afterglow Can Make Your Sex Life Feel More Intimate

For women and men with responsive desire, sexual intercourse isn't always top-of-mind. This doesn't mean that it isn't enjoyable! It may simply mean that their cravings for intercourse may show up less frequently than for their spouse. Or, take more encouragement to fan into a flame.

This discrepancy in libido (sex drive), can make the sexual experience sometimes feel...boring...for the lower-drive partner. They may not feel the same intensity of pleasure or interest, so while one may be moaning and groaning, eyes rolled back - the other may be simply...there. It may feel nice. Or neutral. But their brains aren't on the same plane of physical ecstasy.

Let's acknowledge that this is discouraging and hurtful for the...we'll say, "excited" spouse. The excited spouse wants the other to be having just as much fun and delight as they are. They don't want to feel like they are holding their beloved hostage.

And the responsive spouse often wants their efforts acknowledged. No, they aren't at a 10/10 of interest in sex, but they are present. Doesn't that count for something?

Still, it is hard to not feel like a transaction is happening. And at least for the couples I work with, neither person wants their spouse to feel used or objectified. Neither person wants their sex life to feel like an exchange of goods or scratching an itch.

Most people want to describe their sex life as intimate, not transactional.

Find the Balance of Responsive and Spontaneous Desire in Your Relationship

There are many, many layers to unpack here - and I go in-depth with my sex therapy clients at my practice in Atlanta, Georgia. But to oversimplify: couples can benefit from understanding and embracing the difference in their sex drives. The spouse with spontaneous drive will likely always have a higher and more urgent craving to connect physically. The spouse with responsive drive will trend more towards a subtle experience that is sensitive to contextual variables. The spontaneous drive partner must learn patience. The responsive drive partner must learn that their spouse's enthusiasm for sex is not necessarily "all they want" out of intimacy.

But still, the mechanics of the moment are still evident. How do we seduce and engage both partners when one is highly interested in the physical component while the other is neutral?

Afterglow Can Enhance Emotional Intimacy During Sex

Imagine that you invite your spouse to go on a hike with you. You love nature, but they are...impartial. Still, they want to go to be with you. Both of you lose if the only version of success is for Partner B to love hiking as much as Partner A. You'd waste an entire day trying to convince them, and you'll spoil your moods, too. You also both lose if Partner B refuses to ever go hiking, and puts up a stink for the mere fact of having to be there at all.

The win lies within zooming out and including something for everyone. To apply this to sex: we need to include an emotional buy-in, not just a physical one.

The tricky part is: motive. Often times, in couples with mismatched libido, the lower drive partner will feel that the higher drive partner is only being kind/sweet/affectionate in order to get sex. This creates a sense of tension and resistance not only to sex itself, but to all of the affectionate acts leading up to it.

So, as one potential solution, I'll call your attention to afterglow: the necessary part of sex that comes after "the act."

Add Affection After Sex, Not Just Before

When you and your spouse have sex, what happens after one or both of you finishes or orgasms? For many couples, they roll over and immediately fall asleep in order to wake up early for work the next day. For other couples, the woman may run to the bathroom to clean up, but this mostly concludes the evening's activities.

Instead, consider including a version of couple-care as an expected part of your sexual routine. You may go to the bathroom together for a joint shower/freshening up. If the bathroom feels more like private time, you may wait for your spouse to return so that you can hold each other, cuddle, or even give each other a non-sexual, calming massage. Maybe your relationship would benefit from a debrief conversation, where you can share how the experience felt, what you liked, and what surprised you. (I'd recommend addressing any challenging issues after a bit more time to process and understand your feelings).

Again, I'll remind you, this is not one-size-fits-all. Take what fits you, and leave the rest. Get creative with each other to find your version of an eye-to-eye moment that communicates "I see you, I love you, I'm with you." And the benefits are physical as well! Oxytocin (also known as "the cuddle hormone") floods the body during and after sex, and with non-sexual skin-to-skin contact. So, you can see how much you'd be capitalizing on your body's built-in bonding mechanism by extending your intimate time.

If you aren't sure how to implement afterglow in your relationship based on emotional or even sexual challenges that you two have faced, I offer virtual and in-person sex therapy sessions at my practice in Midtown, Atlanta. In this type of therapy, we dive deep into your relationship history, your beliefs about each other, and the ways that injury may have led to dysfunctional patterns in your emotional or sexual intimacy.

Curious? Schedule a 15-minute consultation with me; let's get the barriers removed so that you can get your afterglow moment.

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a b o u t t h e a u t h o r

Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.

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