What We Can Learn about Seasoned Marriages from the Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi
- Sade Jovanne
- Apr 23
- 4 min read
Wabi-sabi is a Japanese philosophy (and interior design style) that combines わび (wabi), the attitude of seeking beauty and inner contentment in simplicity and imperfection - with さび (sabi), the attitude of seeking beauty in physical things that are withered by time.
In design, it can look like choosing furniture pieces that show the rugged curves of nature or the wear and tear of time. (Here are some worthwhile articles and thought posts on Wabi-Sabi by Omar Itani and Chikaeoh.)
Marriage itself seems to reflect elements of wabi-sabi.
わび (wabi)
beauty and inner contentment in simplicity and imperfection
Our task - and it is a very difficult one - is to learn to accept the imperfect human in front of us, day in and day out. We marry them feeling some degree of confidence that we know who they are (or that we know who we are), but marriage reveals and magnifies the parts of us that are most intimate. Most raw. Most delightful. Most flawed.
We must accept that we are imperfect, that are spouse is imperfect, and that the actions and behaviors that frustrate us are simply evidence of this. Over the years and decades, it is helpful to adopt a curious mindset, to find new angles to admire and celebrate about the imperfect human we've chosen as a life companion - even as we are impacted by their imperfection more deeply.
wabi in sex
In sex and intimacy, we should ideally mature in a way that brings deep contentment in simplicity. It is easy to get drawn into a sexual narrative that emphasizes technique, intensity and orgasms. But sex - especially sex between spouses that have been together for years or decades - is imperfect. Your sex drives will be out of sync at times. Your preferences in the bedroom will misalign. And 90% of days in the year will not be in vacation mode where you have an unending bucket of time and mimosas to delight in each other.
Most days are simple. You'll go to the place where you make income to provide for your lifestyle. You'll try your best to decompress from any stress you picked up along the way. And when you get home, you'll either tackle the wild ride of parenting together, or you'll sit quietly to enjoy a meal and maybe an activity.
We make it complex, but it is simple. Simple and intimate. Upon embracing this, we can disavow ourselves of the notion that sex should look like the choreographed scenes in movies or pornography. Our sex lives should mirror the unique intimacy that we share with each other - flaws and all.
さび (sabi)
beauty in physical things that are withered by time
The body that you were given at birth grows and shifts throughout your journey on earth. Ideally, we take care of the temple we are in: nourishment, movement, rest... all of these things to make our lives full and vibrant in the bodies we have. But our bodies can sometimes also fall ill. For reasons out of our control, we may face chronic disability, temporary immobilization, or intermittent flare-ups. This, of course, can alter the relationship we have with our bodies.
When we marry someone, there is an unspoken awareness that our bodies will change. Yes, we say, "I want to grow old with you" somewhere in the poetry and romance of dating, but let's fully lean into what this means.
In wabi-sabi interior design, nothing is thrown away simply because it is old. If anything, it has earned its right to be part of the overall aesthetic. If we apply this to our human relationships, we would also find the beauty in evidence of aging. It is a testament to another deep gratitude - that you are still here, flowing along with the passage of time.
The wrinkles forming around your spouse's eyes.
The stretch marks on her belly from giving birth.
The callouses on his hands from working diligently day-in and day-out.
The sagging of her breasts.
The greying or receding of his hair.
Our culture mostly markets ways to get rid of these symbols of aging. Instead, we can take the approach of appreciation and beauty. Time is a gift. If we were to truly embrace it as such, how would we treat it?
sabi in sex
It is quite apparent how the resistance against aging plays out in sexual attraction. In the United States, there is a culture-wide assumption that everyone wants the newer model. How sad. Your sexual attraction does not have to end once you cross an arbitrary age line.
Now, your experience of your sexuality may change, but consider this: what if you change and adapt with it? Men may notice that their erections are not as firm, or if they need more stimulation than they did in their 20s. This is normal. Women may notice that, with menopause, vaginal dryness or drastic dips in their libido make it harder for their bodies to respond sexually. Yes. Biology is at play here.
The art of embracing your reclaiming your sexuality would come with taking the time to learn what your body needs now - and perhaps even changing the model of sex that you are trying to squeeze yourself into.
In sex therapy, I encourage all of my couples - regardless of age - to develop a menu of sexual enjoyment that dethrones intercourse as being the "best" or "only" version of sex. But this is true even moreso for golden couples who have trouble with intercourse for natural and physiological reasons.
In short, find beauty in the body of your husband or wife who has breathed on this plant for 40, 50, 60, 70, 80+ years. Decades of time, decades of challenges overcome. Find beauty in yourself, because no, you do not look as you did when you were 20 years old - nor should you. This body is beautiful. And find beauty in the new ways that you will learn how to dance with your significant other as you, hopefully, truly grow old together.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.
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