Should I Leave if I Just Learned My Husband is Having an Affair?
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Georgia and Arizona, and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
You definitely don't want to be here, reading this post, at all.
You want your life back. Sure, things weren't perfect - but at least you weren't experiencing the greatest betrayal that your heart has ever known. And unfortunately, you aren't the only woman in this situation, reading a post like this, spending hours on Google, trying to find a solution to an impossible problem.
Maybe you have kids, and the idea of uprooting their lives is inconceivable to you. Maybe you are talking to friends and family, wanting to know what they'd do if they were in your situation. Maybe you are utterly alone, because you definitely do not want your friends and family knowing anything about what has just happened. It's embarrassing. Humiliating. Devastating.
But above all emotions - even above the sadness sometimes - you are angry. A kind of anger that you didn't think was even possible for you to experience.
First Thing's First: What is Normal to Feel After Discovering an Affair?
All. Of. The. Emotions. That's what's normal.
Some days, you'll feel an extreme sense of confidence, sure that you can leave and completely start over without him. On other days, you'll feel a frightening sense of vulnerability. You'll want to be close to him, cuddle with him, even having sex with him - but on another day, you'll be repulsed by the idea of him every touching you again. One hour, you'll feel anger and sadness - and just an hour later, you may feel numb, empty, hollow.
Your mind and heart have just gone through a terrible trauma. Emotional trauma. Your sense of trust has been ripped from under you. Your understanding of the past you shared together, the person you thought you knew, is completely compromised. How could anyone begin to process that level of pain in a calm, linear way?!
Anxious and Avoidant Attachment after Betrayal Trauma
Have you heard of attachment theory? Basically, it describes how we attach to our caregivers as children - or our romantic partners as adults. Something like an affair will push you into an insecure attachment style quite rapidly. You will feel heightened anxiety, always looking for the next sign of danger or infidelity. You will be hypervigilant, unable to trust what you see or hear. And also, you may experience avoidant attachment. You will be disconnected, not desiring to open up to your spouse at all. Their pleas and cries for forgiveness will fall on deaf ears. Your heart may feel cold and detached in a way that deeply saddens you, because it isn't who you are at your core.
And this, too, is all normal.
Protecting the Kids after Learning of an Affair
If you have children, I encourage you not to involve them in adult matters. Do not confide in your child - no matter their age - about your uncertainty of what to do with the relationship. Do not fight in front of the children, exposing them to the mature details of their parent's affair. Do not prematurely tell them that you're leaving, or that the marriage is ending, without having a full and solidified plan already in place.
Depending on your children's age(s), they may be able to sense that a shift has happened in the home. This is unavoidable. Do what you can to provide them a firm and solid foundation. Predictable schedules and routines. Continued involvement with their friends and school activities.
What to Do When You Don't Have Energy to Parent
If your depression intensifies to the point where it is difficult to be fully present with them (this, too, is completely normal), consider if any friends or family in the area can hop in as part of the caretaking team. Little things like a sleepover at grandparents' house, or a play date with their cousins.
If you do not have a support system around you, give yourself grace for the days where you are low on energy and not able to entertain them as you usually would. Movie nights as a family or days out to the park can provide a sense of togetherness, even when you cannot emotionally engage as much. If you do still trust your spouse as a parent (even though they have betrayed you romantically), then they should ideally take on more responsibilities related to childcare while you process the news they have shared.
Taking Care of Your Immediate Needs
Food. Water. Sleep.
That's what you need.
You may not have an appetite for full meals, so consider meal supplements or shakes to help keep your body nourished. Small nutritious snacks throughout the day rather than full, sit-down meals. Keep a water bottle with you for hydration, almost as a mindless task of self-care.
Your mind will be quite awake at night, likely thinking and thinking and thinking about what has just occurred. Find sleep where you can. Operating at a sleep deficit will be extremely harmful for your mind and body - and we do not want to risk worsening your state of depression and pain. If you are still living with your spouse and sharing a bedroom, consider if you want to sleep in separate bedrooms, or if an air mattress needs to be brought into your bedroom so that you don't have to be so close to one another during the night.
In couples therapy, I talk with my clients within the first three sessions about their social support systems. It is helpful to identify one or two persons that both spouses can rely upon for emotional support, given that the marriage is no longer a safe space for emotional vulnerability. Choose someone that you trust; someone that will support you without projecting their own ideas or thoughts onto you. If you are undecided about whether to stay or leave, it can be overwhelming to talk to someone whose opinion overshadows your own process.
Couples Therapy for Infidelity in Atlanta, Georgia (Save the Marriage, Separate, or Divorce)
And now, the decision.
Please note that this isn't a decision you can come to overnight. But, for whichever path you take, there are steps in place to make sure that you move forward in the healthiest manner possible. If you want to save the marriage, infidelity therapy is the next step. It's a need. Otherwise, couples tend to move forward with the relationship without fully processing the betrayal, and they stay frozen in a state of mistrust and disconnection for years. You will navigate the process of disclosure, the trauma of discovery, the history of the relationship, and the decision for your future - whether together or separate. A therapist is trained to hold a safe working space for both spouses in the therapy room, rather than projecting individual ideas and biases onto the relationship (which a friend or family member may unwittingly do).
If you decide to separate, a couples therapist can also help you with this process. In a structured separation, a timeline is set where couples therapy continues, but the spouses may or may not live in the same home. For couples who decide to divorce, meeting with a divorce mediator can help you divide assets without getting into a nasty battle in court.
If you are unsure which path you want to take, discernment counseling is a style of therapy that specifically focuses on helping you make a decision on what you may want to do next. You'll dedicate anywhere from 3 - 6 sessions outlining what would be involved if you were to take any of the given paths. For example, you may spend one 2-hour session talking through what repair would look like (expectations, topics you'd want to cover, hesitations to the process, etc.). You may spend another 2-hour session talking through what divorce would look like, and the impact it would have on you and your kids - but this doesn't mean that you would be moving forward with a divorce. Discernment counseling is simply a decision-making tool.
Final Thoughts
This is a lot of information, and the important thing to remember is that you do not have to decide anything today. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if that's more realistic. You didn't ask to be in this position. That is unfair, and it is cruel. But you are resilient, and you will learn to trust yourself again. For now, just be kind to yourself, and take it slowly with a double dose of grace. And if you do need therapeutic support, let's talk.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
