How Did Our Marriage Become a Roommate Relationship?
- Sade Jovanne
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
It didn't start this way.
You were in love. You couldn't wait for the next opportunity to spend time together.
When the idea of engagement and marriage first came up, it felt like a yes. You wanted to be with this person and had no intention of drifting apart.
Moving in and beginning to merge your lives had its turbulence, but you were glad to be on the journey with your person. It was the two of you against the world. But as your responsibilities grew, so (it seemed) did the distance.
Time became...limited. It was as if you blinked, and overnight, date nights became less frequent and time together was absorbed by conversations about work, kids, pets, bills... At night, instead of cuddling each other or talking until your eyelids fell heavy, you found yourselves scrolling, scrolling, scrolling away on your phones - or locked away in front of a computer screen.
Sex still happened, albeit infrequently and with less romantic flair. It became more about the amount of time since the last sexual encounter. It became about unmet needs or expectations.
Then the arguments began. Big ones around longstanding areas of conflict - or small ones around seemingly irrelevant issues. At some point, your pattern became so solidified that you both...tapped out. Stopped trying because, "I know how this is going to end."
It became quiet.
Avoidance became the norm.
And the few times you did have a good laugh or meal together, the feeling was shallow and didn't last very long.
Work and responsibilities. That's all you talk about now.
You became roommates - and you never wanted a marriage like that.
What Do I Do if My Spouse and I Feel Like Roommates?
We have an opportunity to reverse time. Go back, back, back - to the moment you fell in love. Why did you want to be together? What hope did you see for the relationship? Why did you choose your significant other?
Do you have that memory? Good. Now let's take one step forward: when did the cracks begin to form? Moments where one (or both of you) chose conflict avoidance over patient resolution? Or times where you allowed unconstructive habits and behaviors (could be in communication, or in time management and prioritization).
Once you have identified cracks, it is important to take ownership for your part of the story. You see, resolution cannot begin if we are only pointing the finger at the other person. What is your part in either enabling or contributing to the distance that now lies between you? You may also want to consider the way your upbringing shaped your view of relationships, communication, or even how to handle emotions.
These are hard questions to ponder (and questions with loads of nuance), but necessary for deeper work.
With all of this information, we can begin to understand why are feet are planted where they are in the present. And, we can begin to change the trajectory.
Is it too late to change? That depends. How hardened are you (both) to the idea of something different?
Couples Therapy Challenges the Roommate Relationship
Being willing to let go of the accumulated debt in the relationship - words said, actions done or undone - will not be easy. In fact, it will be quite straining. And it doesn't mean that you should simply "forgive and forget." Rather, letting go is an invitation to explore, understand, accept and take action.
In the exploration phase of couples therapy, we dive into some of the questions I listed above. We seek to understand the story that brought us here. In all of this, you will be practicing a new style of communication, listening and response. We are drilling into the hardened behavior patterns that keep you stuck and distant.
Acceptance speaks to a sense of grief and loss. After you explore and seek understanding together, you'll find a way to accept that your story does include this painful season. This part cannot be undone. Much like an old tree that shows scars in its rings, your relationship will have a scar for the ways that you were not prepared to fully care for it over the years.
And you'll use that acceptance to begin to take action. If you do not want to repeat the patterns that tore you apart, you'll need to learn how to override your instincts (defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, etc.). You'll need to learn how to slow down and respond instead of react. How to come closer rather than avoiding.
You'll need to learn how to accept and embrace discomfort.
Is it Possible That We'll Have Intimacy Again?
Yes. I believe in bringing intimacy to life when both spouses desire true intimacy. To be fully seen, fully known and fully loved is our human version of heaven on earth. As a couples and sex therapist in Atlanta, this is the work that I do: trying to help couples experience intimacy that is deeper than they've ever known.
Roommate relationships in marriages are painful because they breed a sense of hopelessness, isolation and apathy over time.
You don't have to stay this way.
The work will require effort, but a more fulfilling type of relationship is possible.
hi! I'm Sade (shah-day)
I'm a licensed marriage & family therapist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta, GA.
If the message above resonated with you, join my email list and I'll send you a free download to promote intimacy with your spouse.
When you're ready to take the next step, schedule a 15-minute phone consultation to begin couples or sex therapy.
