Is it Normal for Me to Feel Annoyed When My Spouse Initiates Sex?

Ideally, initiation shouldn't make you feel annoyed, anxious or turned-off. That being said, this is a common phenomenon that women will describe when beginning the conversation in sex therapy.

If I were to oversimplify it, I'd say that there are three roots to this issue: (1) initiation style, and (2) the overall emotional connection of the relationship, and (3) the receiver's relationship with her own sexuality.

Let's dive in.

Reason I: How He Initiates Sex

A common miscalculation among men is that he initiates in the way he'd want to receive initiation - rather than becoming a student of your sexual response style. To oversimplify this, there are certain approaches to sex that tend to cause women (or the responsive drive spouse) to bristle with annoyance:

The "Straight-to-the-Point" Approach

If he's a blunt man, he may walk up a blunt proposition. "You wanna have sex?" Or, of course, the spontaneous grab of a breast or the lady cookie. In his mind, he'd love for you to do the same - so he is more than happy to give what he'd want to receive.

The "Less is More" Approach

This guy may see the runway to sex as being a short one. Meaning, after one sweet gesture (like a handful of flowers) or a lovely date night, he's ready to take it to the next level. He may recall previous gestures that you've mentioned being interested in (like massages or thoughtful notes). The formula, then, feels simple: do this thing that she likes, and she'll be ready for sex.

The "All or Nothing" Approach

Your man may be this style if he does a lot - whether or not it is what you would specifically like. It may lean into a bit of overstimulation, if you were being honest. He may want every sexual experience to last 3+ hours, and will be disinterested if you aren't giving 110% to the moment. He may hold your body in a cuddle, but not understand why you don't enjoy his hands grazing and groping every inch of your being. He is happy to kiss you, but may not understand why you don't want to hungrily devour each other in a passionate make-out session.

In his mind, he is genuinely wanting to lay out the red carpet for your pleasure. He wants the moment to be intense and connecting. He's just missing one ingredient: understanding you.

The Overly-Subtle Approach

This man may be very interested in connecting with you physically; the only problem is, he forgets to tell you that. Or, his attempt at initiation is so subtle that you don't even pick up on his intentions. He may be shy, afraid of rejection, or simply not aware that a more direct approach is your preference.

Reason II: (Lack of) Romance or Emotional Connection

It could be that your annoyance when he initiates has nothing to do with the sex itself - but rather the lack of romance and emotional connection outside of the bedroom. I've come up with three variations of romantic disconnection that could be plaguing your relationship. Which do you relate to?

Friends without Benefits

You two are awesome in your friendship. You enjoy spending time together, and even may have your own inside jokes. Friendship is not the issue - but romance is an...awkward spot. Perhaps sex has never been an area of strong connection, or the romantic connection is so infrequent that your marriage is mostly fueled on friendship. It could even be that you are unsure about what romance would even look like between the two of you.

Lovers to Enemies

You started out hot and strong: passion, fire, smoke. You could barely keep your hands off each other. But somewhere over the years, this intense chemistry flipped and became intense discord. You can't talk for two sentences without a misunderstanding showing up and derailing the entire conversation - or the entire afternoon. When you do have sex, it may still be passionate - but the emotional connection is gone.

Roommates at Best

Not much is happening here. Your relationship is a desert on all fronts of connection: friendship, emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, romance... it is just dry. It didn't start this way, but over many years of the same pattern, this has become more of your norm. For some couples, this "roommate" feeling still co-exists with a feeling of deep care for their spouse. You are family, after all. For others, the roommate feeling has corroded the care and has led to apathy. Disinterest. Indifference.

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If your spouse initiates sex when the romantic vibe hasn't been present as a whole, it can feel like a giant shock or question mark to your system. Almost as if your body wants to say, "...so why would we have sex right now?"

Reason III: How You Feel in Your Sexuality

Alright, suppose you don't relate to either of the above reasons. Maybe you have a relationship where you have no qualms with your spouse's initiation style, and you definitely feel emotionally and romantically attracted to them. In this case, it can be helpful to look within.

Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can be derived from trauma, inexperience, overheard/subtle messages from your community, overt memories of shame, or even interpretations of religious messaging.

Here in the South (Atlanta, GA to be precise), women who were raised in the "Bible Belt" know the familiar feeling of sexuality being looked down upon - and openly gossiped about. Millennials who grew up in the Church may remember the "True Love Waits" movement and the impact of Purity Culture from the 80's and 90's. You were coached to refrain from sexual thoughts until marriage - but given no guidance on how to actually steward healthy sexuality.

For some women, trauma is integrally intertwined into their understanding of sexuality. Painful memories lead their minds and bodies to a "safety protocol shutdown" of sorts. In other words, trauma yells "you are not safe!"

Any of these experiences (and others not mentioned) can manifest as shame ("your body is bad"), anxiety ("something bad will happen"), or even somatic illness (such as sexual pain).

Sexual Discomfort

Can you relate to the feeling of discomfort around some of the more...literal, technical aspects of sex? It could be that the fluids involved with sexual intercourse spark sensory concerns (smell, taste, texture) that distract you from the pleasure of the moment. Or, maybe finding a good position or rhythm has proven challenging, so you avoid sex altogether. Or maybe you have injuries that cause sex to feel uncomfortable for longer periods of time.

It can be hard to reassure your spouse that you aren't avoiding them, but rather the act of sex itself.

Can't Find the Pleasure in Sex

You may be saying, "look, all of this makes sense - but I just don't feel interested in sex at all." There may be no trauma, no adverse experience, no anxiety...just a general disinterest in the idea of sex (or a lack of pleasure that then leads to disinterest). This may be a phenomenon that you are also, for the most part, okay with! Some women voice this as, "I'd be perfectly fine if I never have sex again, but I want to show up for my spouse because I know it is important to him."

Don't Avoid; Start the Conversation

If you sweep things under the rug, waiting for the one day where sex will be appealing enough to override your annoyance, you'll be waiting for a long time. These types of blocks don't tend to pass on their own. In fact, they are inviting you to pay attention.

Sex therapy is a specialized field of psychotherapy that focuses on the multidimensional layers that impact your sexual functioning. In these conversations, we dive into:

• your physical health

• your mental health

• your emotions

• your context

• your stressors

• your relationship strengths & weaknesses

• your sexual history

• your core beliefs around sexuality

• and this list goes on

If you have been feeling annoyance around your spouse's invitation for sexual connection, there are likely multiple factors at play under the surface. Share this post with him to begin the conversation around what makes sex enjoyable vs. what makes sense something that you avoid.

If you are able to have a productive conversation, awesome! Keep the talks going and see if you can find a concrete solution to the issue blocking your desire. However, if you get stuck, my door is open for in-person and online sex therapy sessions in Atlanta, Georgia. I'll facilitate a deep-dive into all of the above areas in order to help you both better understand your desire for each other.

Whatever you do, don't avoid anymore. Start talking, start searching for solutions. Together.

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hi! I'm Sade (shah-day)

I'm a licensed marriage & family therapist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta, GA.

If the message above resonated with you, join my email list and I'll send you a free download to promote intimacy with your spouse.

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