My Sex Drive Was Higher Before We Got Married; What's Going On?
- Sade Jovanne
- Jun 23
- 4 min read
Ah! This is actually quite common. Let's try to break it down, clear and simple.
If you felt a lightbulb moment when you saw the title of this blog, it is quite likely that you are the responsive desire spouse; meaning your sex drive typically comes alive after being given a compelling reason to show up. I think of this like the friend that you invite to a party or gathering. Their first question may be "who is going to be there?" or "what are the details?" They need this information before deciding if they want to attend.
Responsive desire is that friend.
But the question remains: if you are someone with responsive desire, why was your sex drive so much higher when you were dating or engaged, but decreased after saying "I do?"
Your Responsibilities, Commitments and Conversations Have Changed
In dating, your conversations revolve around sharing details about who you are, what you like, and who you want to be in the future. You share stories and memories, learn each others' favorite foods, create new experiences where you talk about how good you make each other feel.
You get married because you want to continue sharing stories and memories with each other. But as time continues, your lives now merge. You were likely present for each others' stories. You have some of the same memories. And now, you also share another factor; responsibilities.
Conversations now include talk about upcoming bills, overdue home maintenance projects, changes in your job or health... Life can be weighty, and it is good that you can walk through this together. Still, these are not "sexy" topics.
In addition to this, couples with poor communication might find themselves in the throes of chronic arguments, silent treatments, and misunderstandings. Dysfunctional communication styles will dampen your spark. Why would you want to have sex when there are 3 unresolved arguments looming in the background?
You Are Aging...(like fine wine, of course)
The gift of life is our ability to keep living. It is something that we certainly shouldn't scoff at. Rather than fall into the trap of "Peter Pan syndrome," we should nourish our bodies, minds and souls so that the journey continues with health and vitality.
However, the sex drive of a 21-year-old and a 61-year old are not the same; nor should we expect them to be.
You may be thinking of your "glory days," where you would date and experience passionate cravings for being devoured by your significant other. You may think about how easy it was to get lost in a post-date make-out session, or how sex usually went off without a hitch. But now, there may be dryness. You may have scar tissue. You may have some relational damage from hurts caused within your marriage.
Give yourself a bit of margin and grace; your sex drive will operate differently now.
Sex in Dating and Sex in Marriage Don't Have the Same Ingredients
In dating, you schedule a time to meet up with someone. You may see them once a week, maybe a few times a week, or even daily if you are in a more exclusive stage. But still, these meetings are planned. You set aside time, get dressed, and head out to spend undistracted time with your budding love interest.
In marriage, we lose this sense of set-aside time. In most cases, you live together. You share a shower, a toilet, your overall living space. There isn't a semblance of "getting ready" and arriving in your best form. You see each other in all forms. There is beauty in this organic and authentic type of connection...but it is inherently different.
In marriage, since you often share meals, the act of eating together may feel more like your daily routine versus a special occasion.
In dating, the prospect of sex is exciting and mysterious. A delicious push-pull of "will we/won't we." You go through your date looking for moments to make a move. In and of itself, this energetic anticipation is part of the attraction and sexual intrigue. And I'll say, for women who chose to wait until marriage for sex, you may be surprised to discover that much of your sex drive was fueled by this anticipatory withholding.
Can I Get My Sex Drive Back to the Way it Was Before?
A one-size-fits-all, quick-fix answer would feel really nice here. But the thing is, there are many variables influencing your sex drive that would make it look different during dating and/or engagement versus now. The most true and honoring answer is: it depends.
As a couples and sex therapist in Atlanta, I help couples break down and understand the multiple variables in their story that contribute to the way their sex life operates today. I'm talking about a deep dive: family messages around sex, relationships with crushes during grade school, adverse experiences growing up, dating as an adult, dating your current spouse, and so on.
Overall, though, I'd position the goal differently than getting back to the way you were before. Rather, let's find the most full, healthy and satisfying version of intimacy that fits who you are as a couple today.
Your key to understanding your changing sex drive is here. Schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation and let's begin.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in Midtown, Atlanta, GA.
