Ideally, initiation shouldn't make you feel annoyed, anxious or turned-off. That being said, this is a common phenomenon that women will describe when beginning the conversation in sex therapy. If I were to oversimplify it, I'd say that there are three roots to this issue: (1) initiation style, and (2) the overall emotional connection of the relationship, and (3) the receiver's relationship with her own sexuality.

If your wife feels that she needs to help you handle your emotions and temper tantrums (you know, like when you pout or withdraw or get irritable when it has been too long since you last had sex), then she won't feel that she is your lover; she will feel that she is a mom parenting a child. This is obviously not what you want. Sure, she may still have sex with you - but her motivation will be to appease your mood, not to actually connect and enjoy your time together.

The truth is, for most couples, one spouse will have a higher interest in sex than the other. As a sex therapist, I put a lot of emphasis on making sure that couples know that this is normal. It wouldn't be possible for two separate human beings to have the exact same sex drive that operates the exact same way, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for decades on end. Differences are to be expected. And, hopefully, differences can be understood and welcomed.

If you felt a lightbulb moment when you saw the title of this blog, it is quite likely that you are the responsive desire spouse; meaning your sex drive typically comes alive after being given a compelling reason to show up. But the question remains: if you are someone with responsive desire, why was your sex drive so much higher when you were dating or engaged, but decreased after saying "I do?"

No amount of back rubs, surprise flowers, or bubble baths are going to convince her to want sex if this isn't an inherent desire for her.