What if I Don't Feel Sexy?
- May 13
- 3 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Georgia and Arizona, and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
Heads up: the following is an "opinion post." Feel free to take what you resonate with - and leave the rest.
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What does it mean to be sexy? To feel sexy?
Before a young woman get the chance to learn and answer this question for herself, the answer is already fed to her.
Film paints a temptress with perfectly-laid hair and makeup who seduces the Hero in the middle of his mission.
Social media pushes the influencer whose life and body invite comments and envy from the masses.
Music serenades you with the idea of endless nights of passion and insatiable cravings for intercourse.
Religion sets the standard of being completely void of sexual thought or desire - until marriage, when it should all come alive.
But you... you, reader... where is your voice? Who are you?
A Different Way to Understand Feeling Sexy
If "sexy" is about enticing a potential partner for sexual intercourse and procreation - as it has been historically - then of course the trends of the age will dictate how you should present yourself. One could argue that fashion has been the public beacon for the private lives of men and women for generations. Accentuate this feature to attract a mate.... Hide this feature to avoid being less desirable.
But can we put that all aside for a moment? Let's make this conversation about you and your spouse. And if possible, let's replace "sexy" with "confident" or "whole." This changes the question entirely. What makes you feel confident? What makes you feel whole?
In my mind and observation, it seems that when someone describes a person as "sexy," they are subconsciously pointing out the sense of presence that a person exudes. The metrics for physical appeal changes (beauty is in the eye of the beholder), but that overall feel seems to be a common denominator. Something beyond words.
This is how it's possible that so many different presentations of people can be beautiful. Alluring. Charming. Comforting. Whichever word you'd like to place here, I think that it evokes a sense of presence. And we humans - as different as we are - may be drawn to different types of presence. It makes sense, right? Some of us love the beach, while others are bothered by the sand. Some of us are enamored by the mountains, while others find them just...okay.
So in this sense, we can welcome the differences in beauty. This, hopefully, gives you freedom to reconsider the questions I asked earlier: "What makes you feel confident? What makes you feel whole?"
You may find that it is fun to be creative. Therefore, you enjoy the creativity of playing with your hairstyles, your attire, or even makeup.
You may find that you feel confident in your body, and you enjoy the feeling of a good workout or the movement of twirling around a dance floor.
You may feel very at home in the word of psychology and thought. Your confidence may exude from the way you consider theories and engage in intellectual sparring.
You may have a hunger and ambition to innovate and build. Your drive is strong and pushes you to create new, never-before-seen projects.
You may have a quiet mindfulness about you, allowing you to find sip joy from the simplicity of a sunrise or a walk with your dog.
You may even have a combination of all of the above.
For whatever it is, I encourage you to find your secret sauce - and all of the ingredients therein. What makes you you? What makes you feel confident? Whole? Maybe this can be your "sexy". Rather than centralizing your view of yourself on intercourse and sexual interest, you can embrace the version of yourself that moves through all moments of life - not just the sexy ones.
Because when you feel whole and grounded, you can navigate hardship. Uncertainty. Excitement. Playfulness. Risk. Sadness. Intimacy. All of it.
So, don't ask yourself if you feel sexy in the context of desire for sex. Ask yourself what it would take to feel whole. And from this foundation, you can return and begin to explore what sex and intimacy can mean to you.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
