Why Do I Have Low Libido (Low Sex Drive)?
- Mar 19
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
Your interest in sexual activity - whether it be intercourse, oral, or any other type of sexual exploration - is called your libido (or sex drive). In a major way, your baseline libido is fueled by hormones within your body, such as testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, cortisol, dopamine and serotonin, but it is also influenced by your relational and contextual factors.
For example, your libido may be low if you have been in a long-term relationship that is volatile or devoid of consistent affection. Or, your libido may be low if you are going through a stressful period at work that keeps your cortisol high.
In order to assess the potential roots for your low libido, start by taking inventory of the symptoms you have been experiencing, how frequently you've experienced them, and for how long. Let's talk through some symptoms and what type of intervention may get you closer to a solution.
Symptom: Low Energy Overall, Not Just Low Libido
Solution: Get a Physical and/or Psychological Assessment
If you are feeling low energy across the board, a visit to your primary care physician (and/or psychiatrist) may be in order.
Low overall energy can have physiological roots such as hypothyroidism, low iron, or even the effects of sleep deprivation. Depressive episodes can also create an overall sense of fogginess, lack of motivation, and disinterest in activities that would otherwise be interesting to you.
It can be easy to overlook or explain away physiological factors, especially if they aren't causing too much of an upset in your day-to-day life. In our American hustle culture, it is typical for someone to say "I'm just tired," as if it is the norm, rather than questioning if they should feel that tired. And, a single person may not notice that their libido is taking a nose dive - until they are in a relationship and their partner is questioning why they aren't more interested in sex.
Sex may be the reason that you are now questioning your energy levels, but if you notice that you feel low more often than not, there are definitely more layers to the onion. A blood test, physical exam or psychological assessment can give a more comprehensive understanding of how you're feeling.
Symptom: Constant Irritation or Anger Towards Your Spouse
Solution: Individual or Couples Therapy
Feelings of irritation and annoyance don't come out of nowhere. Our emotions are indicators that we may need to pay closer attention to the source of our irritation. Why do you feel this sense of anger?
You may have an unspoken expectation that you need to communicate.
You may have underlying beliefs about your spouse that lead to resentment.
You may have an unresolved argument or concern that your spouse hasn't addressed.
Depending on the source of this frustration, you may choose to speak with a therapist one-on-one first, to seek support with organizing and communicating your thoughts. Or, if you are both aware of the problem and have exhausted your attempts at finding a solution, speaking with a couples therapist can help you to navigate conflict in a more constructive way.
Whichever path you choose, do not let the irritation fester. Resentment is very hard to undo once it is fully formed, and the work of therapy would be much harder if you wait past the point of chronic resentment.
Symptom: You Feel Rushed, Anxious, or "Busy" Almost Daily
Solution: Organize, Decrease & Focus
If your nervous system is running at an 110%, 24/7, we have a problem. Now, I get it; some circumstances may be out of your control. You may be juggling a stressful family or life event. Your career or profession may operate at a high level of intensity (such as with ER doctors and nurses, or toxic corporate environments). It could even be that life is not inherently stressful, but you have filled it to the brim with well-meaning and important activities, like driving the kids across town to extracurriculars or managing the tasks of your household.
But all of that stress will cause a spike in cortisol (the stress hormone). Research also strongly suggests that operating with high cortisol for long periods of time (months, years) can increase your likelihood for developing chronic illnesses. Not good at all.
This is simply not sustainable.
Rather than succumbing to this fate, consider what you can do to better organize your life, decrease the amount of non-essential tasks or expectations, and make time for the things that give your life a sense of rest or release. Even if you feel it is impossible to decrease your stress load, finding small ways to slow down on a daily basis will alleviate the pressure on your shoulders.
We call this mindfulness: the art of intentional focus on the present moment.
Eat your food slowly, rather than rushing.
Instead of running your to-do list in the shower, let your mind feel every drop of water on your skin.
And, on a wider scale - see what you can subtract or reduce in your daily schedule.
Left unchecked, a hyperactive nervous system will affect much more than just your libido.
Caring for Low Libido Long-Term
Long-term, your libido will likely fluctuate with the various events of life; especially if you are a woman with responsive desire. Your lack of interest will make it easy for your partner to assume the "initiating" role, while you become impartial on whether or not sexual intimacy occurs.
But, I encourage you to embrace yourself as a sexual being by understanding what lights you up and sparks interest in physical connection. And no, this isn't about interest in the act of intercourse; it's about interest in getting closer to your special person. Enjoying their warmth, and even enjoying receiving physical pleasure.
There may be many factors - both historical and present - that are influencing your sex drive. But if you do want to enjoy sexual intimacy again, sex therapy is a great start - and I'd love to work with you. Schedule a consultation here for in-person or online therapy in Atlanta, GA (and online therapy in Arizona!). Let's talk!
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
