What if Your Husband Has a Higher Sex Drive Than You? - Insight from a Sex Therapist
- Sade Jovanne
- Aug 13
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 16
The truth is, for most couples, one spouse will have a higher interest in sex than the other. As a sex therapist, I put a lot of emphasis on making sure that couples know that this is normal. It wouldn't be possible for two separate human beings to have the exact same sex drive that operates the exact same way, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for decades on end. Differences are to be expected. And, hopefully, differences can be understood and welcomed.
Desire Discrepancy (or Mismatched Sex Drive) in Action
I'm sure you can relate to this pairing:
Spouse A is excited about the idea of having sex with their significant other. They look forward to it. If the option to have sex arose, they would have to be sick or in the emergency room to decline. To this spouse, sex is the perfect embodiment of the complete love and joy that they share with their chosen person.
Spouse B, however, sees sex as...okay. Nice. Enjoyable when it's shared, but also not something that they particularly miss. They may have an urge to connect sexually once or twice a month, but outside of this frequency, they aren't bothered by its absence. This person deeply values the time that they share together, but doesn't feel the need for sex to be one of the shared activities.
These two humans often marry each other - and neither one's view of sex is right or wrong. The difference itself, though, can often cause a rift in the relationship. They many interpret the other's view of sex as completely other-worldly.
Spouse A: "What is wrong with you? What happened that caused you to hate sex so much?" or "I just want to please you. Why are you rejecting my love?"
Spouse B: "Why can't you just hold me without it having to always become something sexual?" or "It makes me feel like an object when having sex with me is all that you think about."
Sound familiar?
I'll also preface the conversation with this: "Spouse A" in the equation (the higher sex drive spouse) is not always the male, just as "Spouse B" (the lower sex drive spouse) is not always the female. There are many women who silently struggle with being the higher drive spouse, and men who can't relate with consistent cravings for sex. Plug yourself in to the equation where it most makes sense. I'll just be using generalizations to make writing this blog a bit simpler.
Learn about How the Physical and Psychological Impact the Sexual
In the first few sessions of sex therapy, an in-depth assessment takes place to get an idea of your physical, psychological, emotional, familial, relational and contextual map. Sex doesn't exist in a vacuum; your drive is a combination of all of these elements.
If you and your spouse have been interested in beginning sex therapy, it is wise for you to also schedule a visit to your primary care physician and reproductive health physician (such as an OB/GYN) to get a baseline of your physical health and functioning. Do you have high or low blood pressure? Do you have a condition that affects mood and energy such as hypothyroidism? Are you overweight or underweight? Do you have high testosterone? Low estrogen? The list goes on.
Psychologically, knowing how your brain works will also greatly impact your understanding of your sex drive. Is your brain wired for ADHD? Do you have a mood disorder such as major depressive disorder or bipolar I or II? All of these factors can help explain one of the reasons why your drive may operate the way it does. It will even change the way your therapist approaches diagnosis and therapeutic interventions.
Resist the Urge to Label Your Spouse
When standing on two opposing sides of the fence, it can be easy to label the other person's viewpoint as wrong - especially if their approach to the topic is...a bit rough. Spouse A (higher drive) may look at Spouse B (lower drive) and label her as being broken for not being more enthusiastic about sex. Or, Spouse A may label themselves as being less attractive, less desirable, or not good at sex - "because if I were attractive or good at sex, then surely she would want it more."
In a similar fashion, Spouse B (lower drive) may look at Spouse A and be disgusted by his appetite. She may label him as an addict or obsessed because of how focused he is on getting his sexual needs met.
Labels May or May Not Be Accurate; But Labeling Your Spouse is Rarely Productive
I'll take a moment to specifically note: the labels you use may or may not be accurate. It could be entirely true that Spouse A is an addict or has an object-obsession with sex that feels selfish and not relational. It could be true that Spouse B has health concerns or even a history of trauma that is creating a maladaptive disinterest in sex.
However, as humans, we don't often like having the finger pointed at us saying "See! You're wrong! You're broken! But I'm perfect!"
You likely wouldn't respond well to being labeled - so you can imagine that your spouse wouldn't respond well, either. Human beings tend to make changes when they themselves see the need or benefit - not when ordered to. A person with an addictive focus on sex would need to feel distress or discomfort with their own behaviors in order to begin the path to change. A person with a disinterest in sex will need to find their own path towards wanting to learn and find a new sense of flame. Someone else's judgment is rarely likely to create that spark for change.
Meet with a Sex Therapist to Dive Deeper
Sexual desire and interest is complex and multi-faceted. Seeing a professional can help you and your spouse to better navigate the tension and/or heavy emotions that make communicating about sex difficult - and help you understand the core issue itself.
If you have attended couples therapy before, the process of sex therapy may be quite similar - with a few notable differences. (1) Any conversation around your communication or dynamic as a couple will be linked back to your sexual goals, (2) You'll likely be given homework (perhaps further along in the process) that is meant to change the way you interact with sex when at home.
When I see clients for sex therapy at my practice in Midtown, Atlanta, GA, I am aware that it is likely their first time talking about such a sensitive issue with another person in the room. My hope is to create a calm, safe space where difficult topics can be fully explored. And, of course, that each couple would find more ease and understanding surrounding sexual intimacy.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in Midtown, Atlanta, GA.
