What Do I Do if Sex Feels Messy and Gross?

Let's be real: sex is messy.

If we weren't in active states of physiological and psychological arousal, the mechanics of sex would be...jarring...to say the least.

You must smash your body against someone else; completely eliminate any personal space. They may have their own smells and those smells may not be pleasant. The smells may come from their mouth, their arm pits, their groin area... either way, you must ignore that.

Next, you must expose the parts of your bodies that, at any other point of the day, would be considered "private." Let's hope that your bodies are doing their jobs of lubrication and sending all the blood down there so that your organs can achieve optimal performance. Create friction by rubbing into or around the other person for an extended period of time. Your wrists, back or legs may experience some mild discomfort. Try to find the position with the least discomfort. You may both get sweaty and exchange this excretion of slimy salt water with each other. Ignore this, you must continue.

At some point, for heterosexual couples, the man will release a mystery substance into the woman. Her body must accept this, and will potentially leak this substance throughout the next few hours because, well, gravity. Also, you should definitely shower and/or pee after this, or else risk the threat of some type of urinary tract infection that will make it wildly uncomfortable to pee for a few days.

Enjoy.

Jarring, right?

Thankfully, we were given the divine gift of arousal and lots of helpful nerve endings. If all goes well, sex can feel comforting, like a massage, or even intensely euphoric. (Now, vaginismus and other sexual dysfunctions can certainly complicate the desired outcome - but we'll chat about that another time).

Both men and women may feel grossed out by some of the processes and fluids that come with sex - but feel too embarrassed to share their thoughts with their partner. Or, some adults may even feel this hidden sense of...isolation? "Somehow, everyone else in the world can have sex without caring about sweat or semen or discharge; am I the only one who is different?!"

Let me go ahead and validate this for you: you are not the only one. Where on earth can folks gather together to share their discomfort with the human experience of sexual intercourse? (Sex therapy, of course - but my point is that there typically aren't natural points of conversation to bring up the topic in everyday life).

So, if you find yourself afflicted with mild or severe disgust during sex, let's talk about some practical ways to address the issue. This is just the tip of the ice berg, but hopefully it can get the conversation started!

Strategies to Feel Less Gross During Sex - Based on Your Concern

Saliva

Not everyone likes deep kissing where saliva is mixed - and that's okay! Your kissing is not any less meaningful or intimate if you choose to keep lips locked and dry versus sloppy and wet.

Talk with your spouse about the style of kissing that you can prefer (you can even demonstrate/show them in a non-sexual moment), so that you have an option for kissing that that is more comfortable. You may also want to consider if reducing kissing during sex helps you focus on the moment more.

Another variation would be to kiss in different locations. Maybe saliva on your face is unnerving, but you don't mind how it feels to be kissed on your neck, belly or inner thighs. There is no one-size-fits-all model for how we enjoy each other - and that includes something as "original" as a kiss.

If your spouse has a kink for sucking toes or something else that involves more direct exposure to saliva, speaking with a sex therapist about how your differences in preferences impact your shared sex life would be an excellent space for this conversation. There are likely other dynamics - such as how you relate around conflict, disappointment or rigidity - that are also at play here.

Oral Sex

For those whose partner enjoys oral sex (fellatio or cunnilingus) but their partner is uncomfortable with the sensation, consider using a dental dam to provide a light physical barrier. You can even choose a flavored option! If your spouse is resistant to using a light barrier because they only want to experience oral in one way, this would be a conversation to have in the context of sex therapy.

If it's less about the oral texture and moreso about what it feels like to be in a vulnerable position (for example, some women dislike giving blow jobs because it feels that he is towering over/looking down on her), you have options. Consider draping a blanket over his or her lap, or adjusting so that the receiving partner is laying down vs. sitting or standing. If ejaculation is concern, talk together beforehand to come to an agreement that this position will not be used to reach climax (or, see if you can agree on introducing a condom once orgasm is approaching closer).

Sweat

Bodies can run hot - and even moreso when they are pushed against one another. You may also be in a couple pairing where your spouse enjoys your scent and taste when you are sweaty - but you very much do not. This creates a clash in arousal palette and even sources of sexual delight.

But all is well! Communication comes to the rescue again. Let's be clear and specific about what you need.

"I feel too hot!"

If you don't like sweat because of its association with being hot, consider getting a portable fan for your bedroom that can be aimed directly at you during sex. You may also want to be aware of the types of sheets you use on your bed. If your sheets/comforters trap heat, you'll overheat faster than if you have cooling, breathable fabrics like bamboo, percale or linen.

You may also want to consider positions that keep your core/torsos away from each other. Rear-entry (also known as doggy style) or chair sex may allow a bit more distance between your bodies, thereby giving you a chance to cool down. If you're feeling extra brave, shower/bathtub sex with cool water may also be an option. Just note that introducing water may affect the ease of sustaining vaginal lubrication.

"It feels too sticky or slimy"

Some of the examples above - like having a fan or having sex in the shower - can definitely help. With sensory concerns, I'll also mention: you don't have to be naked during sex. Finding a fabric that feels good on your skin and absorbs sweat well may be an option to keep the sticky feeling away. Of course, you'll still need to keep your bottoms easy and breezy, but at least your torsos won't be contributing to the sensory overstimulation.

Semen

It can be helpful to first identify what you don't like about semen. It could be a location issue. Honey may be great in your tea or oatmeal, but it gets a bit annoying if it's stuck on your fingers or clothes.

Have a conversation with your partner about pre-determined locations that are comfortable for you, versus areas that just aren't your vibe. The "pre-determined" part is important, because having this conversation when non-aroused can assure a sense of clarity and understanding, whereas yelling out "no, not there!" mid-ejaculation will likely yield messy and non-optimal results.

A sex towel may be an option if you are practicing the "pull out" method. This gives a defined space that will be easy to clean up afterwards. If you dislike the sensory feeling of semen on your body or your bed sheets, you may ask your spouse to consider not aiming in those areas - even if he finds it psychologically arousing. Or, again, you may want to keep a sex towel on top of you to create a barrier.

On a deeper level, sensory irritations can feel deeply unsettling to a point that extends beyond preference. If this is the case, definitely consider sex therapy as an option to identify the root of the sensory concern so that the most appropriate type of intervention can be applied to your specific situation. Someone with sensory processing disorder or on the autism spectrum would take a different approach to this than someone who has simply never experienced the texture of semen and has anxiety around unfamiliarity.

Making "Clean Up" a Regular Part of Afterglow

In a previous post, I mentioned that afterglow is an opportunity to connect emotionally after sharing a sexual moment. If the messiness of sex is something that concerns you or your spouse, integrating a clean-up routine into afterglow could be a very sweet and loving way to show your spouse that you care.

You may want to prepare a warm wash cloth to wipe her down - not rushing, but with gentleness and attention. If the sheets need to be changed (or if you used a sex towel), an "act of service" may be to get this taken care of by adding soiled laundry to the washer/dryer and pulling out a fresh set of sheets for bedtime. You may also want to have a trash can by the bed for quick disposing of any items like condoms or dental dams, so that the lingering reminders of the night's events aren't still waiting in the open the next morning. And, of course, taking a gently refreshing shower together can be a bonding moment as well - if you can tolerate each others' preferred shower temperature.

Being Grossed Out By Sex is Normal. Communication is the Next Step

All in all, it is perfectly normal to feel a little bit grossed out by parts of the sexual experience. Communicate with your significant other in advance about loving ways that you can prepare for or even reduce the messy factor of sex so that you can both enjoy yourselves (versus being distracted and "in your head" the entire time).

Not sure how to start the conversation? Share this post with them! I've done all the ice-breaking for you. Or, consider booking a phone consultation to chat about if sex therapy would be a good investment improve communication in your relationship. Sessions are available in-person or online for individuals and couples near Midtown, Atlanta, or anywhere in the state of Georgia.

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a b o u t t h e a u t h o r

Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.

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