How Do I Fix My Low Libido? Insight for Women from a Sex Therapist in Atlanta

Hey there,

I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.

Let's dive in....

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Here's the thing about low libido:

If you were on your own, living the dream, you wouldn't necessarily notice that you had a low sex drive. You'd simply go about your day, paying attention to whatever felt relevant in the moment.

But, when you are in a relationship and your spouse is craving closeness, the frustration starts to creep in. They are frustrated with you for the constant rejection, you are frustrated with them for not taking the hint and giving you some space, and you are frustrated with yourself for not being able to control sexual desire within your own body.

After all, you want to have more interest. You want your response to feel natural and easy: but it doesn't. It feels barren and...lost, really. You have no idea where to start.

If you can resonate with this internal push-pull, this article will help identify some potential reasons why your libido is low - and what you can do about it. Please note that this list is not exhaustive; just meant to get the conversation started.

Address Your Physical Health to Improve Low Libido

Sex happens between two bodies, so of course your physical health will be part of your sexual health. The way you move, nourish, and care for your body on a daily basis should be considered when experiencing a dip in sex drive. For example, eating foods that make you feel sluggish and gassy will definitely make the act of intercourse feel...unappealing. Not drinking water can cause headaches or a decrease in energy for intimacy. Sitting at your desk all day without any physical activity can create a sense of lethargy and disconnection from the body.

Consider what lifestyle changes could promote physical balance in your body. A consistent improvement in your daily routine could be the difference between feeling good in your body versus feeling detached and depleted.

Ask the Professionals How to Improve Your Physical Health

But of course, there may be issues that are deeper than the simple advice of "just drink more water." In this case, it will be beneficial to meet with a healthcare professional such as a dietician, immunologist, OB/GYN, urologist, sleep hygienist, or even your primary care physician. With the state of insurance in the United States, I completely understand most Americans' reluctance to scheduling a visit with their doctor's office. It may be that you'll need to prepare financially to be able to prioritize your health in this way. But preparation - even if you set an appointment weeks or months in advance - is much better than delaying a closer look until a more serious issue demands your attention.

As a sex therapist, I encourage men and women to bring a list of questions to their appointments with general and reproductive health specialists. After all, you are investing time and financial resources into this appointment, so you should not treat it casually.

Those frequent UTIs you've been getting throughout the year? The way you feel out of break and have to sit down when walking up the stairs? Your lethargic, groggy mood? The physical anomalies that you write off as "it was just the one time" or "it didn't bother me that much" may actually be indicators of underlying health conditions.

Prioritizing your physical health by asking questions and being curious can help to make sure that your body has everything it needs - not just sexually, but holistically.

Your Medications and/or Birth Control May Have Low Libido as a Side Effect

It is often true that the medications we take to improve our mental or physical health can have side effects that impact libido. Hormonal contraceptives are no exception. When meeting with a physician, inquire about impacts to sexual functioning so that you can be knowledgeable about what to expect.

For most individuals taking medication, simply "getting off the pill" in order to preserve your sex drive is just...not an option. The issue you are treating may be more important than whether or not you can get turned on.

Inquiring about side effects can increase your awareness of why your sex drive is lower, and allow you to better prepare for warming up to intimacy.

If we are unsure why we aren't turned on, we may be more likely to dismiss this feeling or delay action, stating, "I just want it to feel natural."

But with the influence of medication, your sex drive may not return in a way that "feels natural." This awareness can prompt you to a more active vs. passive involvement in your sex life.

Life Transitions and Stress Can Affect Your Sex Drive

If you have transitioned from a family of two to a family of three, four, or more, your sex drive will be affected. If you have experienced loss or grief within the last three years - especially if you have not received therapy or support in this time - your sex drive will be affected. If you are going through a busy season at work that demands extra attention, lots of decisions and very little sleep, your sex drive will be affected.

It is impossible to understand low libido without placing it within the context of your stage of life and your daily stressors. These factors tend to have a strong enough influence that they can even override sexual interest for individuals who do have high libidos.

How to Address Low Libido if Stress is a Factor

If you are in a transient state of stress, meaning the stressor will resolve within a few weeks, it may be acceptable to refocus your energy on intimacy once the stressor is resolved. If you are in a state of grief or loss, it would be most acceptable to shift your focus to mental and emotional care and surround yourself with a support system before addressing any sexual functioning concerns.

However, if you are in a state of chronic stress or transition, one that will continue for the foreseeable future or at least will likely continue for a few months, I'd recommend making a circumstance-appropriate shift to your daily routine.

Chronic stress can cause damage to your physical and mental health when left unchecked. Consider ways that you can decrease your stress load, improve your sleep hygiene, and integrate coping skills for stress management so that you do not enter a state of burnout or depression.

You may experienced heightened irritability or racing thoughts. This is normal in states of chronic stress.

Try to refrain from expecting yourself to have a higher sex drive when so much of your mental and emotional energy is being diverted to the stressors at hand. We are human, after all; we only have so much energy to give.

While sex can be a stress reliever, intimate sex also requires additional social and emotional resources that you may have difficulty tapping into. And, if your relationship is also in a state of stress and disconnection, it can feel insurmountable to address these issues on top of the original stressors themselves. In this case, of course it would make sense that your libido is low.

Slow down. Take it one stressor at a time. Identify what you need in order to move through the overwhelm rather than drowning in it.

You are Not Broken! Sex Therapy Can Help with Low Libido

I see sexual issues as a mathematical equation of sorts. Your sexual desire is a combination of your contextual factors, your physical health, your relational wellbeing, your mental health, your daily stressors...the list goes on and on. So, when you notice that your libido is low, rather than calling yourself "broken," look at how this equation led to this specific result.

To me, it makes sense. If you aren't sleeping well, are overly stressed at work, are chronically stuck in Atlanta traffic driving between appointments and errands, getting home late in the evening to piles of tasks that have been left undone... it makes sense that there isn't much energy left over to consider sexual intimacy.

In sex therapy, I will help you take this overwhelming pile of stuff and organize it in a way that feels soothing to the mind. I will guide you through a plan - in order to lighten your mental labor.

You'll have a safe and serene space to talk through the types of concerns that make you anxious, awkward, uncomfortable, or even angry. You'll receive a pass forward, and helpful tools that apply to your specific situation (not generic advice meant to appeal to mass audiences). A personalized approach.

Then we begin the work -together. Some folks prefer to come solo, while others prefer to open up communication with their spouses in session. In either case, you'll be able to breathe knowing that a very important element of your intimate life is being cared for, and that you don't have to figure it out all on your own.

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