How Do I Talk to My Spouse About Intimacy Issues?
- Sade Jovanne
- Nov 17
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
Most couples don't talk about sex - they just do it. And for those who were raised in Purity Culture or in conservative households, it can feel quite foreign to discuss what happens when the lights are off. Shameful, even.
So, what do couples do when there is a legitimate issue in sexual intimacy that needs to be addressed? I'll answer the question: most couples will tip-toe around the problem. They'll find a way to compensate or get by without having to dive deep and "rock the boat."
Pain during sex?
Drink some wine or use more lube.
Difficulty keeping an erection?
Distract her by giving your best performance for her pleasure.
Low libido?
Lean on "not feeling well" or placate him with sex until he backs off.
But see, these are short-term fixes. Not fixes, actually; more of band-aids. Meanwhile, the issue that needs attention continues to fester, deepen, and cement itself into your relationship dynamic. Pretty soon, a few standalone incidents become a pattern that has lasted months - maybe even years.
Don't Ignore Intimacy Issues; Confront Them Directly
These couples have likely attempted to address their issue a few times before. Maybe a conversation brought up during a sexual encounter that led to an argument...or a suggestion mentioned over dinner that was met with disinterest and no response from their spouse. Eventually, the inability to have productive conversations completely extinguishes any desire to communicate about the problem. So sex continues to happen (or doesn't) with the dysfunction firmly in its place.
This is where I come in. There are brave couples that identify their need for help, and seek a licensed sex therapist to begin untangling the hurt, disappointment and confusion that have come to define their sex lives. After all, you don't know what you don't know.
In the context of sex therapy, we begin to untangle the layers that are contributing to avoidance or disinterest in sexual intimacy. Unresolved issues in the relationship, hormonal or physical challenges, a history of shame around sex...things like that. But most importantly, we learn how to talk to each other outside of session about sexual needs - even when it's uncomfortable.
So, whether you are interested in therapy or are wanting to begin the conversation at home, consider the following factors when having communicating about sex with your significant other:
How to Start Conversations about Sex
Set up a Romantic Date Night to Check In on Intimate Needs
Setting matters! Approaching each other while in an intimate environment may encourage deeper thought and closer connection while talking through a vulnerable subject. And, by setting a romantic date on the calendar, you can also both come prepared for the conversation - versus one person feeling blindsided by the topic being sprung upon them.
Lead with What You Like or Prefer
Be gentle. If you are not accustomed to sharing your needs and desires, I encourage you to start with what you do like and prefer. This can give your spouse a giant green light saying, "Yes! Come closer! I'd love this!" And of course, positive affirmation is always helpful.
If there are things that you don't like try communicating what you would prefer instead. This opens the dialogue so that your spouse has something constructive to latch onto and implement - versus keeping them at arm's length.
For example, if you don't like when your spouse roughly touches your clitoris, it is definitely important for them to know that this is a no-go for you. Otherwise, they may continue the action, creating discomfort during sexual intimacy.
If you say "Stop touching my clitoris like that" or "You're too rough," it will communicate the desire to cease an action - but it doesn't communicate what you'd like instead. Consider adding in a thought that would lead you both towards a solution. For example: "I don't like when you touch my clitoris so roughly. Could you try using lube or more gentle movements instead?" or "I'm not a fan of that. I'd prefer if you focused on my butt or legs instead of my clitoris."
Get the Stressors Out of the Way
Feeling overwhelmed is a surefire way to squash sexual desire. If you notice that intimacy has been discouraging lately, consider the stressors that may be impacting your sexual functioning (or your spouse's).
Is there a big project at work that is generating background stress? Has parenting required extra energy, leaving you depleted and yearning for rest more than sexual activity? Is your home environment overstimulating? This list goes on.
When you join with your spouse to talk about intimacy, lead with your observations: "Babe, we haven't had a lot of time to connect with each other recently. I am noticing that our schedules are way too full for me to have energy for intimacy. Can we talk about a way to balance things out so that we have energy for each other?"
Don't Compare to Past Partners
If you and your spouse are not each other's first sexual partner, you may notice your mind wander to previous sexual experiences as a reference point for comparison. You may think, "well, I wasn't like this with him," or "my other partners liked when I do this, so why don't you?"
Just...don't. Comparison around sexual intimacy won't lead you down a productive path. It can set up standards and expectations that don't apply to your current relationship. Simply put, it's unhelpful.
Instead, you may use awareness of yourself to help understand how your mind and body historically impact your sex drive. If you had a higher drive when you were off birth control but you are on birth control now, that would be helpful information to unpack. Or maybe you remember less issues with erectile dysfunction when you weren't navigating being laid-off from your job for 3 months. Or you have less pain during sex when relaxed on vacations versus when at home.
Remember that Physical Health Impacts Sexual Health
Physical health is certainly a topic that should be addressed when processing your satisfaction with sexual functioning. I encourage individuals to be aware of any concerns with physical health that come up throughout the year, so that they can address these questions during annual doctor's visits.
If you haven't had energy or stamina for sex, diet and lack of exercise could be contributing factors. What about your circulation? For men, blood flow is a critical component in obtaining and maintaining a firm erection. For women, tracking frequency of bowel movements or instances of urinary incontinence can be critical in understanding if there is an underlying pelvic floor issue. Overall, maintaining awareness of your physical health will be helpful in making sure that your body is not blocking you from enjoying intimacy.
Start the Conversation in Couples and Sex Therapy
For some individuals, the concern of their spouse's response may be what keeps them from bringing up sexual issues at home. You may have a spouse that gets defensive, internalizes, or avoids the topic altogether. If this is the case, attending sex therapy can provide a safe, neutral territory to discuss sensitive issues. To learn more about the process of sex therapy, read "How is Sex Therapy Different Than Couples Therapy?" or visit my website here.
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Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.