I Have Sexual Anxiety; What Should I Do?
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Georgia and Arizona, and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
When you hear others speak about their sex lives (on the rare occasion that it happens), they sound so...happy. There is a mischievous spark in their eye as they mention how frequent - or how passionate - their sex life is. In TV shows and in music, it sounds like everyone else is in on the big secret: sex is fun and their favorite thing to do with their significant other. But you? You feel left out.
Sex doesn't excite you. It doesn't feel fun and it definitely isn't something that you yearn for in your free time. Instead, it makes you feel anxious. Uncertain. Shut down.
You may try to talk to your significant other about this issue, but they wouldn't fully understand. It seems that sexual desire comes easy for them, too. In fact, they are disappointed and hurt by your seeming lack of interest in sexual activity.
So, where do you go for support? And how do you fix the anxiety you feel around sex?
Why Does Sex Make Me Feel Anxious?
Understanding the root of your anxiety is the first step to building a solution. As a sex therapist in Atlanta, GA, I often work with individuals and couples who have conservative, Christian backgrounds that don't feel permission to even think about their sex lives. So, I'll start by asking you a few questions to get the ball rolling. Consider if your answer falls in the "yes" category, "no" category, or "partially, but not fully".
Sexual Anxiety Assessment
Is your anxiety linked to your sexual experience (or lack thereof)?
Is your anxiety linked to how you feel about your body image?
Does your partner's way of having sex feel different than your preference? (i.e. they move faster or slower than you'd like, they like positions that you don't, etc.)
Do you feel hesitant or repulsed by your partner's style of initiation?
Do you feel comfortable communicating what you'd like (or not like) during intimacy?
Do you feel emotionally and physically safe with your spouse or current significant other?
Is your partner's preferred frequency for sex significantly higher (or lower) than yours?
Do you associate sex with affection?
Do you associate sex with objectification?
Did you have a negative or uncomfortable experience with sex or physical touch in the past?
Have you ever felt that you did not have full control over saying "yes" or "no" to sexual touch?
Has a person in position of authority over you ever coerced you into sexual scenarios?
Growing up (before the age of 18) did you often feel sexualized by others?
Do you experience extreme physical or psychological discomfort related to bodily fluids like sweat, semen, or saliva?
Do you have difficulty allowing yourself to rest, have fun, or enjoy a treat (not necessarily related to sex, but in your day-to-day life)?
Understanding Your Sexual Anxiety
Whew! Those were quite a few questions - but what did you notice in your responses? There were a few questions that related to how your past sexual experiences may be influencing your present. There were a few that highlighted how sex in your present relationship may require some changes and increased communication. And there were a few questions that lean into you personal beliefs or barriers related to sexual intimacy (physically, emotionally or mentally).
How Individual or Couples Therapy Can Help Sexual Anxiety
Take your answers and use them to inform your next step. If your past sexual experiences are the primary influence on your current anxiety, then seeking individual counseling with a therapist who is trauma-informed will be highly beneficial. You may want to find a therapist with EMDR or Brainspotting certification if there are specific traumas related to abuse. If your present relationship is the main factor, then couples therapy will help to untangle the knots that may be unspoken. Even if you feel you two have strong communication, sitting with a therapist can reveal hidden variables that are impacting your sex life in a harmful way. And if your personal beliefs or barriers are playing a part, individual therapy with with a certified sex therapist can help you bridge the gap between your beliefs, your emotions, and the physical experience that you have during sex.
Pinpointing the root of your anxiety is a crucial step in setting a positive course for the future. On the other side of this work, you'll be able to construct that "naked and unashamed" feeling with your partner that you've so longed for; not based on what you think you "should" do, but based on your mutual understanding of what makes each other feel seen, known, and loved.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
