How to Initiate Sex When Your Wife is Not in the Mood
- Sade Jovanne
- Aug 26
- 4 min read
Provide Rest and Space
When your wife is overstimulated, overwhelmed, exhausted or anxious, she will likely need a moment to decompress and find her footing again. Remove as many physical tasks or mental labor from her plate as you possibly can.
Logistics around taking the kids to/from school? You've got it.
Dishes in the sink, laundry waiting to be folded? You are King of the Castle.
Dinner undecided? Chef BoyareYou just entered the kitchen.
You may even consider setting up an opportunity for your wife to step out of the home for an hour or two for some alone time (or for you to step out and give her the freedom to relax in bed without distraction).
Initiate with Nurture and Care
She is your girl, your woman. You love her. She does so much for you, for your home, for the family you have created. And she may be handling it all like a boss - but I promise you, she wants to be treated like a sweet bunny sometimes. Okay, maybe not a bunny, but the general idea of being treated with tenderness, gentleness, and adoring attention.
And get this: the more "controlling" or "nagging" your wife may come across, the more she likely needs an extra dose of nurturing and care.
Your mind may want to go directly to rubbing and touching her, but pause for one moment. This may feel really good for you, but in order for that to succeed, her top love language would have to be physical touch. Women with high touch hunger will enjoy being caressed and can't get enough of it! However, if your lady is touched-out (likely the case if you have young children or if she isn't typically touchy-feely), then you'll need to take a different approach.
Come to her with a soft and gentle nature. Speak to her kindly and with appreciation. Rub her feet or massage the knots from her neck - without sexual suggestions. Run a bath for her, set some candles up and place her favorite book nearby. Grab her favorite coffee or smoothie and have it ready for her as she leaves the house. Find a way to go the extra mile and communicate that you can be a soft place for her to land.
Show that You Can Take Care of Yourself
No, not with a video screen or a long shower. Show her that you know how to regulate your emotions and remain connected to her, even when you aren't currently receiving sexual gratification or attention. Show her that your sex drive isn't in charge, and that you have control over your emotions.
If your wife feels that she needs to help you handle your emotions and temper tantrums (you know, like when you pout or withdraw or get irritable when it has been too long since you last had sex), then she won't feel that she is your lover; she will feel that she is a mom parenting a child. This is obviously not what you want. Sure, she may still have sex with you - but her motivation will be to appease your mood, not to actually connect and enjoy your time together.
And, hear this: if you are okay with sex when your wife is clearly disinterested or not present, then you are not having intimate sex. You are having solo sex and your wife happens to be there.
And Now for the Grand Finale...Initiating Sex When Your Spouse is Not in the Mood
As you can tell, none of these tips have anything to do with actually suggesting sex. Thing is, if your wife is not in the mood, there are likely a billion of other factors that have captured her energy or attention. Trying to suggest sex will only add to the noise.
And, another aside - do not associate your worth or her desire for you with your sexual performance. It is common for higher drive spouses to be so excited about sex that they get confused, hurt, or feel rejected when the lower drive spouse is not interested in the activity. This is a disinterest in the activity of sex; not a declaration about your relationship. Schedule a consult with me if you'd like to talk more about this topic.
Don't add to the noise. Remove noise. For many women with low libido, the idea of sex being a source of deep pleasure just...doesn't turn on any lightbulbs. Sure, they many enjoy it in the moment (and you likely can recount moments where her body responded favorably), but the pleasure isn't the beacon towards sex: you are.
She wants you. She wants to feel safety and security while wrapped in your arms. She wants to feel that you are an extension of home. She wants you to be the keeper of her laughs, the one who knows how to make her smile. She wants you to support her big dreams and her quiet wishes. She wants you to be the companion that she continues to journey with, sharing all of life's mountaintops and trudging through life's valleys.
This is the force that draws her like a magnet. If your lady is biologically wired (or even temporarily positioned) in such a way that physical pleasure is hard for her to grasp, she may not accept an invitation to sex that is based on the physical. It makes sense, right? The physical isn't her buy-in, so stop trying to entice her physically.
This article is not meant to give you a cheat-sheet to making your wife want sex. I am, however, trying to show you the difference between pleasure-focused sex and relational sex. Instead of trying to "get her in the mood," create a relationship environment that is supportive, tender, safe. Consistently.
Then, make the invitation for undivided attention and quality time, not for sexual intercourse.
If you are consistently creating a relationship that allows her heart to melt, an invitation for more alone time will feel more desirable. If sex happens within that alone time, fun! Remember, though: the sex itself may not be part of her highlight reel - but feeling seen, loved and known by you will be.
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in Midtown, Atlanta, GA.
