We Have the Same Communication Issues and Arguments Over and Over Again
- Sade Jovanne
- Jul 15
- 4 min read
Couples often don't make it to therapy until years after the cracks in their relationship form. By the time they reach the counseling couch, resentment has boiled and festered and dysfunctional communication patterns are set in stone.
Years of snippy tones and rude exchanges. Years of silent treatment for days on end. Years of explosive arguments where words are said that cannot be taken back.
It gets to the point where, within our first few sessions, at least one spouse is adamant that they know the outcome of any homework assignments I give.
"We'll see," they may say, arms crossed and with a slight chuckle.
"What do you mean?" I always ask. It's important to get things on the table.
"We've tried this before," they'll say with a sense of hardness and disappointment. "Nothing has changed."
This is true. It is 100% likely that this couple has, in fact, tried to communicate before. They have tried to initiate, to respond, to resolve conflict - so anything I offer feels like revisiting an unproductive path. But here's the thing: as much as it's true that they have tried to change, it can also be true that they didn't run a pure experiment.
Poor Form Yields Poor Results
If a couple is attempting to communicate their feelings, but the four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (as outlined by Dr. John Gottman) are laced in their words and actions, then we won't see truly constructive results. We can't know if the communication could have worked, because they have sabotaged any potential for progress. Saying "I'm feeling sad that we didn't do anything for our anniversary" in a soft tone is very different than saying "I knew you couldn't pull this off," or simply giving the silent treatment all day and waiting until the other person notices and reads your mind.
Simply put, unproductive attempts at communication are not going to yield positive results. And yes, it does take two to tango in terms of moving the conversation forward. Many spouses will express vehemently that they have tried to communicate in a productive way - but it's the other person who shut the conversation down or misinterpreted intentions to the point of explosion.
This is why it can be possible that you both have tried to improve - but because you didn't first fix the broken gears in your communication machine, you ended up unintentionally wounding each other and worsening the issue over time.
In a book called Grit by Angela Duckworth, the author outlines how top athletes and performers have something in common: grit. It's the tenacity, the dedication to invest targeted practice of a weak skillset, repetitively, until reaching mastery. The key words here being targeted practice and repetitively.
Improving your communication styles will be exhausting. It will take consistent effort - when you're busy, when you're in a good mood, when you don't want to be bothered. And targeted practice? This means that you need to be exercising your communication muscle in a way that is actually productive. If you keep initiating conversations using the same dysfunctional set of skills, then your continued efforts will not amount to anything. It's the same as lifting weights daily - but with poor form and in a way that slowly injures you over time.
It's a harsh reality, but your relationship is likely stuck in a poor communication cycle because you are repeating the problem while attempting to solve the problem.
And for those who feel tempted to say, "but it's not me - it's him/her!" I'd respond with..."but what if it isn't just them?" What can you grab and own in the spiral of your dynamic?
Does Couples Therapy Actually Improve Communication Issues?
I liken my style of couples therapy to working out in the gym - or even going under intensive surgery and rehabilitation. We are going to go deep into the dysfunction of your communication styles to:
learn about how your family of origin contributes to your lens around expectations, emotions and feelings
explore the beginning of your current relationship and where the cracks began to form
isolate independent incidents in order to practice taking a more constructive route
target your blind spots and how they show up in arguments
learn communication skills specific to your weakness areas
practice, practice, practice choosing a constructive route - especially when emotions are heightened
Sustainable Progress is Subtle
It's deeply uncomfortable, but if you can stick with the work both in session and at home, you'll find that your arguments at home start to change. Things that used to cause multi-day blowouts get resolved within a day, maybe two. Misunderstandings are addressed and cleared up - and both spouses are more receptive to hearing from the other. You learn how to give warmth and attention outside of conflict so that your relationship doesn't exist perpetually in battle mode.
In-Person Couples Therapy in Midtown, Atlanta
I understand that your road has been...long, to say the least. There have been hurts in your relationship that you don't share with friends and family. Your sense of trust and security has been eroded - and may now be non-existent.
But you haven't given up yet. There's a reason for that. It may be the kids, or it may be your hope that things can still turn around. Whatever your reason is, use it as motivation to give productive communication a try.
It's time to get to work. Schedule a 15-minute consultation here to talk about your goals and begin the process towards a more refreshing and peaceful style of communication.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in Midtown, Atlanta, GA.