I see your fear. It sounds to me that your partner may not know how to manage the feelings that are coming up for him. Now, I don't know your man specifically, but I work with plenty of couples where the partner truly does care for his lady, deeply - but he can't fathom why she doesn't want to be intimate with him. It hurts. It feels like a blatant rejection. He's tried to initiate so many times, and none of his efforts reach her. He doesn't know what to do.
And when we don't know what to do, we go into our defensive state. Our fear state. Then, eventually, our numb state.
I think that's what you may be afraid of - is it? Both you and your man are unsure of why your sex drive, your desire for intimacy is low. Or not as strong as his. Or nonexistent. You're afraid that he'll throw his hands in the air one day and walk out, find someone better. Or that he'll just become cold and the rest of your marriage will be...like living with a roommate.
Lovely, I hear your pain. And I want to let you know - your story is not going to end this way. Not if you take the pen back and start writing a new narrative.
All you need is something different in the mix. Someone who understands you particular type of intimacy issue and help you communicate while offering tools to overcome your blocks. That's what I'm here for!
And, I'll give you another hint...there is a version of your story where you enjoy intimacy for yourself, too. Yes. There is an outcome where you aren't just playing the role so that he is happy - you also feel connected, fulfilled, seen, loved, and yes, satisfied.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Please release yourself from the guilt of "a good wife should X" or "I'm so sorry I can't Z." One step, lovely. All you need is one step.
A free 15-minute consultation may alleviate some of your fears. I'd love to hear your story and let you know how I can help.