Communication Issues? Your Parents May Be Part of the Problem
- Sade Jovanne
- Aug 16
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 26
We are a product of the homes that raised us.
For some, you were gifted with the tools that you needed to grow as a child, a teen, and then as an adult. You feel supported by your family and have no doubt that they will allow you the space to fully expand into the best version of your life. When you succeed, they cheer you on. When you make mistakes, they offer a non-judgmental space for guidance and correction.
For others, your families taught you exactly what you did not want to repeat once you had the ability to write your own story. You may have witnessed patterns of abuse, infidelity, explosive communication, or even avoidance of all conflict. Criticism was a normal part of communication, and there was often a feeling of walking on eggshells around others' unregulated emotions. For whatever you saw, you decided, "I'll never do that to my spouse or kids."
And still for others, you remain trapped in the dynamics that your family passed down to you. Whether consciously or subconsciously, you repeat behaviors that sabotage open, effective communication or relational support. Perhaps you choose romantic partners who are similar to one of your parents in their inability to provide love and affection. If you are already in a relationship, you may find that you quickly jump to reactivity or avoidance when faced with conflict. If you notice your ineffective patterns, you may be stuck in not knowing how to change them. Or, perhaps you don't notice your ineffective patterns and instead blame others for the downfall of your relationships.
Parents - yours and your spouse's - play a huge role in the relationship toolbox you're working with today. Some couples walk into marriage with an abundance of tools and spend the first few years of marriage just trying to learn how to use those tools in harmony. However, many couples walk into marriage with only a hammer and a roll of tape - and no idea of how to even work together towards a common goal.
But here's the thing: while you can't control the toolbox you were given, you can control what you do next.
It is time to learn. It is time to develop. It is time to step into discomfort, break old habits, and forge a new path forward.
Break Your Cycle of Communication Issues in Therapy
If you or your spouse's homes weren't spaces for emotional development and growth growing up, you can pick up where you left off in therapy. Therapy is the training ground to learn and practice tools in-the-moment, as your communication issues are unfolding.
As a therapist, in listening to your arguments with your spouse about who takes the dog out or who said what, I'm actually listening for patterns and opportunities; things you can't hear when you're inside of the conflict. Even in individual therapy, the way that you recount an occurrence with your best friend or spouse speaks volumes to the patterns you may be unknowingly repeating.
The work is challenging. You're essentially breaking the bones of your communication style and restructuring them. It takes a great deal of openness to pursue the process of change, but it is so worth it. You don't have to continue the dynamics that your parents passed down to you.
You can create something brand new.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Midtown, Atlanta specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in Midtown, Atlanta, GA.