Can we talk for a second? Don't worry, the ladies aren't listening.
Look. She doesn't understand why you get so upset when she isn't interested in sex.
I know, I know! It should be obvious. She says that you only want her body - and that's not true!
Why can't she see that you find her extremely beautiful, adorably cute, and drop-dead gorgeous, all rolled into one? Why can't she see that it's deeper than the physical for you? You love sex because you want the intimacy. I mean, it's the most amazing phenomenon: you feel close to the woman you love, you are affirmed that she loves you, and the act itself is enjoyable beyond belief!
She says that you'll just be thinking about other women. In fact, she says that a lot.
She doesn't understand that you think about her, desire her, long for her - because she's your lady! You have committed to her, and your deepest intent is to show her your faithfulness.
She says that she's tired, or she's had a busy day, or she forgot, or she simply doesn't need it as often as you do.
You may not be able to biologically understand why she doesn't crave sexual connection as often as you do - especially if her drive seemed higher in the beginning - but it still hurts. She doesn't understand that you take these statements as excuses, as reasons for her to avoid spending time with you. At the core, it feels like rejection. And there are only so many rejections you can take before you're not willing to risk the hit to your ego anymore...
So, let's figure this out.
There's a way for you to speak her language, to state your desire in a way that she will understand and be receptive to.
(1) Listen first.
Before jumping straight for her breasts, pause. Stop. Look up. Look at her eyes. What is her facial expression telling you? She may be stressed, sad, worried, angry, neutral, happy, excited - anything! When you listen to her and curiously ask about her state of being, she will know that you see her as a whole person, not just a body.
(2) Take necessary steps.
Especially if your relationship has a history of infidelity (which, for the record, can be sexual and/or emotional. If she says something was infidelity, she's telling you that she feels you shared a special part of the bond with someone or something outside of the relationship. Can I be real? That's stealing, man. Let's make it right).
It could be that you need to commit to a season of counseling to re-establish trust. Get some accountability brothers and quit the racy websites. Stop adding the Instagram models - yesss, even if they're "a friend from high school." And if any of those steps seem too extreme... I'd be really curious to know why you don't feel that her rebuilt trust is valuable enough to you.
If infidelity isn't a part of your relationship history and your woman has deep insecurities within herself, I'll direct you back to counseling! She may not hear it from you, but a trained professional can help guide her towards healing so that she be full in the relationship for the first time.
(3) Help her.
Partner with her. Work alongside her to knock some chores off of her list or take some duties off of her hands. Especially if you two have children together. Women's bodies often need A LOT more energy to prepare for sexual intimacy, so it would make sense if she's completely exhausted at the end of a long week or day. But don't do it just to get something. That won't work, she'll read right through that. Help her because she's your partner. Your buddy. Your friend. A human being that you care about.
If having more energy doesn't free her to engage in intimacy, I'd sit down and have an honest conversation with her - not from an attacking or accusatory stance, but out of curiosity and love.
"Babe, I love being intimate with you, but I'm not sure if you enjoy it, too. Could you tell me what's going on?"
"I've noticed that whenever I try to initiate sex, you seem disinterested. Why is that? Is it me? My approach? Or something else?"
"What's the ideal amount of times you'd enjoy sexual intimacy in a week? And in your ideal world, what would that look like?"
Try these three steps, and you're going to learn something new about your woman. Her hesitancy to intimacy might not be for the same reason that you originally thought.
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