No one expects pain during sex on their honeymoon. No one.
You might be the young bride who packed her bags for a romantic four-day getaway. Time to connect with your new life partner. To explore one another's bodies unceasingly. That's the expectation, right?
Suitcase open on the bed, your fingers gripped the black lacy underwear that your giddy bridesmaids gifted you. A brief pang of anxiety struck your heart, wondering if you’d feel comfortable enough to show it off.
Night came, and your groom was more than ready for intimacy. He said he’d take his time, of course, but you weren’t so sure how long his patience would last.
Then it happened. As much as you tried to prepare, to be relaxed, your body said, “no.” The intensity of the stabbing, tearing sensation was almost surprising. Of course you wanted to be with him - but why couldn’t you just get there?
Eventually, frustrated with yourself and worried that he’d give up on you, you told him to just move forward anyway. You closed your eyes tight, tried not to think of the extreme discomfort that didn’t alleviate - no matter what you tried. “Just hurry up,” you told him. And, when he was finished, you felt a mixed sense of relief...sadness...confusion...disappointment….
But what do you do? You can’t exactly call your girlfriend and tell her about what’s going on. She’d pick up the phone with excitement, “how was the vacation?! Did you have a lot of sex?” Then what? In an odd sort of way, you felt that you were also disappointing all of the friends and family who would have expected you to be locked up in the hotel room for four days straight, unable to take your hands off of each other.
But you weren’t. That, apparently, wasn’t your story. This wasn’t the honeymoon you dreamed of.
Can I say something to you, sweet woman?
Your femininity is powerful and expansive, existing far beyond the specific experience of intercourse.
You are a woman, you are alluring, you are intelligent, you are wanted, you are valuable, you are cherished - and that remains true, whether your reproductive organs come alive to the idea of sexuality, or if they are uninterested, shy, or scared.
You are more than what has happened so far, and pain during sex doesn’t have to be the remainder of your story. You should not have to grit your teeth and bear it. You should not have to expect that it will always happen. You should not have to believe that this is your fault. You should not need to associate intimacy with fear.
The body is mysterious. You’re still learning yours - even if you believed you knew everything already.
This is why the field of sex therapy exists. It is for you. Don’t wait another year, another month, another week because you hope “it’ll work itself out.” Your body needs you. Let’s be tender and care for it kindly.
I’d love to meet with you and chat about your specific condition. A 50-minute consultation is a great pivot point for your intimacy story. You can book a session here, and we can see each other as soon as one week from now.
Unsure and still have questions? Great! Questions are indicative of hope. I'm so glad you have hope. Subscribe to my emails, and I’d love to keep sharing truths with you.