What is Normal to Feel After Discovering an Affair?
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Georgia and Arizona, and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
This post is in continuation of a previous post: "Should I Leave if i Just Learned My Husband is Having an Affair?"
Expect an Emotional Rollercoaster after Discovering Your Spouse's Affair
Expect your emotions to fluctuate hour-by-hour. In the initial weeks or months after discovery of your partner's affair, I encourage you to treat yourself as if you had the flu. When we are physically sick, we are more likely to understand our limits, nourish ourselves, and get lots of rest. That's what you need. Your heart has gone through an immense shock of betrayal, and your entire system is feeling ill.
When you are so angry that you can't stand it, greet yourself with a sense of understanding. When you are so sad that you aren't sure you can get out of bed, allow yourself to take a sick day from work (if possible) or tuck yourself into bed early once you get home from the day's responsibilities. When you are feeling somewhat optimistic and hopeful, let yourself feel this as well, and journal through your thoughts with a sense of non-judgmental curiosity.
Feeling Really Horny - or Really Turned Off
On some days, you won't be able to stand the sight of your partner. You may feel repulsed by them, and disgusted by their actions. On other days, you will be surprised that you want to have sex; almost with a sense of hunger and need. In some ways, your attachment system may be unsure how to find its sense of stability and security. Sex can feel empowering and reassuring because, in that moment, you have all of their attention. They can't be divided or distracted when your bodies are together.
On a subconscious level, you may be trying to reclaim what should have been rightfully yours within your marriage all along. You want to feel wanted, chosen, desired. But when you remember what your spouse has done, you may feel your body completely close off to them. You can't believe that they touched someone else in this way as well. You hate the images that flash in your mind about what they may have shared. You hate that this pure, sacred bond has been shared with someone else. In those moments, the idea of sex will be so far away.
Each couple is wildly different during the affair recovery process. For some, sex is an activity they continue to share - even if emotions are not secure. For others, it is better to set boundaries around sex and abstain so that emotional safety can be prioritized.
In either case, this part is very important: I encourage you to schedule an appointment with your doctor to get tested for STIs (sexually-transmitted infections). Whether or not your spouse states having sex during their affair, a breach of trust means that you need to establish your own trust. Get the answers that you need directly from a trusted health professional.
Wanting to Know All of the Details of the Affair
When information has been hidden from you, it makes perfect sense that you will immediately want to regain everything that you've lost. What you've understood about your world has just been revealed to be a lie. The memories that you shared are now tainted as you wonder, "what was really going on during that time?" You may even recall suspicions or odd feelings you had throughout the relationship, and remember that they were previously dismissed by your spouse. Now, you revisit them with a sense of vindication.
In the immediate weeks after disclosure or discovery, couples tend to go through an intensified period of information-gathering. You may find your mind overflowing with nonstop questions, day and night. It is common for conversations to begin late at night and last into the wee hours of the morning.
You may want to know all of the sordid details: when, how often, what time, where? If your spouse hesitates or says that they don't remember, this may feel like a completely unacceptable answer. In some ways, it can feel like information is being hidden from you all over again.
The Depth of Disclosure
When considering questions related to the affair, two factors become quite relevant. On one hand, what level of information will be helpful for your healing process? After all, once you know something, you can't un-know it. But I do think that this is a decision unique to each person. For some, knowing too much information can be haunting in a way that is hard to recover from. For others, they want the full truth - regardless of the level of pain that it may inflict. It is their right to know.
Secondly, what is your spouse's heart posture? By this, I'm asking if they are open to the process of recovery, or are they maintaining a sense of self-preservation and defensiveness?
Your pain remains even if your spouse is regretful, humble and open. But if your spouse is closed off and irritated, you'll notice that your pain will intensify. It's almost like a sense of righteous anger: "how could you run over me with your car, then get blame me from screaming for help?!" Typically, the process of recovery becomes frozen when one spouse is not committed to the discomfort of honest and open disclosure.
Shame and Self-Deprecation
Our minds are our sharpest swords. And in the aftermath of betrayal trauma, you may notice your mind turning against you. You criticize yourself for being "stupid" or for not knowing. You may feel foreign in your own body, ashamed at the thought that your spouse sought the touch of another woman over yours. You may even ruminate, asking yourself over and over "why couldn't I be enough?"
I'll keep this one short and simple: your spouse's actions do not undermine or negate your inherent sense of worth. That's it.
They made a choice. Their choice was wrong.
Your identity is its own entity.
Over time, you'll learn to rediscover who you are again. You will. Try not to let the current pain dictate your sense of worth.
Final Thoughts on Betrayal Trauma
Your pain is intense and unbearable, but what you are experiencing is a normal reaction to betrayal trauma. Your body and mind are desperately scrambling to find a sense of security again. In the mean time, you'll feel an internal sense of chaos, maybe even numbness.
What you decide to do after the affair is another conversation entirely (you can read more here), but in the interim, find a person that you trust who can help give you the reassurance and comfort that your soul needs. This may be a family member, a close friend, or even an individual therapist whose only role is to support you. Recovering from an affair is hard enough as it is; don't do it alone.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
