Be reborn, sister. Allow yourself to evolve and transform, like Mother Earth herself.
The expectation of marriage is that we meet a person and learn what we can. We fall in love with their smile, their choice of favorite food, the endless conversations that last until sleep claims our eyes. We know them. We feel known.
Then something begins to change. Your favorite food is different. Your favorite genre of TV shows changes. You pick up hobbies with a new group of friends, and soon you can no longer relate to your best friend from college. And, one day you wake up and realize...the spark with your spouse has dimmed.
But you hold this in your heart, keep it quiet, because you barely even know why it's happening.
Let me validate something for you, sister: your evolution is to be expected. Hoped for, even.
There is no version of your story where you were going to be statically the same from birth until your passing. Why would you? If Earth models for us the rhythms of life, then we know that seasons flow, just as the day exhales into night.
Don't fight your evolution. Allow it. Lean into it. And, if you are married, invite your partner in. Please note that his response may be unpredictable. He may be scared and feel that the relationship is threatened by your movement and fluidity. This is simply an invitation for him to reflect on his own growth, rather than demanding that you stay shackled to what feels most familiar to him.
Or, if your partner is friendly with the process of evolution, he may be excited to watch you expand. He may become over-involved and what to help direct your process, or he may sit back and watch with wonder and full support. Coach him through what you'll need. This starts with you knowing the answer to that question yourself (i.e. I need space in the mornings to be alone... or I need more time with girlfriends... or I need wiggle room in our budget to explore new hobbies or go back to school... or I need a plan to start my own business within the next two years).
Your partner may also be neutral. Perhaps he is so disconnected from himself that he can't truly feel anything specific for your journey. He may not know how to celebrate, support, or even challenge you. This can feel especially disheartening, and might exacerbate the loneliness you feel in your pre-butterfly cocoon. Release control. Yes, sadness comes with feeling unsupported by your partner... but for now, you may need to rely on the support and comfort of likeminded friends or colleagues. It may also mean some time to retreat to a spiritual space where you can wrestle with your own insecurities, reconnect to the Divine, and emerge with a profound sense of peace and clarity that does not come from outside voices.
This Path is Yours to Walk; Others Shouldn't Be Able to Always Follow
I truly believe that our partners cannot be everything for us. At any point in time. Once you've established the secure base of relationship built on love, trust, and commitment over time, you'll be free to go out and explore new versions of who you are becoming. Like a child, let yourself play and discover. Remember to communicate with your partner as best as you know to do; keep them in the loop.
And soon, the marriage will be given the opportunity to adjust to its new members and learn the new needs of the relationship.
Welcome in! I'm Sadé!
I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and a dating coach for singles impacted by Purity Culture.
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