Your Secret Weapon: Comfort Sex


You know what, let's be honest: life isn't always rainbows and coffee cups by sunrise.


Depression, changes at work, family drama, existential crises... those are real things. Maybe you, as couple, are waiting for something huge or feeling isolation and loneliness.


You are tired and in pain, and it seems like everyone else is too busy to attend to you.


What do you do when all you have is each other?


I often talk with my couples about the diversity of their sexual intimacy. The bond that you've spent months and years building is for more than only fulfilling a physical urge. Sex has stronger powers than you may be aware of.


Scientists call it oxytocin. Counselors say it's a complex phenomenon called attachment. Spiritual leaders talk about your soul connection. Seasoned pairs speak of the feeling of "comfort" and "home." I think it's all of the above.


Whatever language you're comfortable with - it's time to use your secret weapon: comfort sex. The kind of sex where you're not focused on orgasm or hitting your quota for the week...but rather, attending to yourself and your partner.


Comfort sex (believe it or not) may not even involve intercourse.

Comfort sex is for the emotional storm.

It's for when words aren't quite enough.

For "I'm sorry" and "I miss you."

For "We're the only ones who know about what's going on, and I feel lonely."


Comfort sex can be full of pleasure, unlocking a language you didn't know you knew.

Or comfort sex can be low on intensity, but high on emotional connection.

Comfort sex can include something out-of-the-norm, simple, sweet.

Comfort sex can be reckless abandon, letting go of the walls you've kept up for so long.


It's not so much about what acts you're doing - but more of the heart behind the moment. It's about being vulnerable with your partner and encouraging one another into hope, faith, joy. It is tossing the mask onto the floor and being real - even if you've hidden yourself from your partner (and the world) for days, weeks, months...


If you can trust that your partner has good intentions towards you. If you know, through the fog, that they care and desire your well-being -

consider what it could be like to express yourself through mindful, attuned sexual connection. Listen to how their body responds, and respond with your Self. It's uncertainty beside encouragement. Pain beside hope.


And, in the afterglow, stay. Continue. Soak in the moment.

You may be surprised by what that could do for your relationship.


#sexuality #intimacy #therapy #grief

Sadé Ferrier, M.S.

Sade Jovanne, LLC

hello@myintimacytherapist

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