How Do I Enjoy Sex if I Have Vaginismus?
- Sade Jovanne
- Jan 15
- 6 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
Vaginismus (closely related to vulvodynia) refers to pain when attempting penetrative sex. Women may often describe this pain as a stabbing, tearing sensation - or a wall that is completely out of their control. So, if you are experiencing this condition, it makes perfect sense that you may avoid (or even fear) intercourse.
Still, sexual intimacy is a connective part of relationships for many couples - and the idea of removing sex altogether may feel disheartening and discouraging for you and/or your spouse. Now, I'll go ahead and spoil the ending here: start by meeting with a sex therapist or a pelvic floor therapist who specializes in vaginismus. Sexual pain is a complex issue that involves the mind, body, and your relationship - so gathering a Sexual Health Team will help you begin untangling which areas are contributing to the issue, vs. which areas are symptoms of the issue.
But let's assume that you are already en route to setting up appointments with sexual health professionals and are wanting to know what you can do now, while sex still hurts. Because - and read closely - you can enjoy sex, even without intercourse.
One more time: you can enjoy sex, even without intercourse.
Now, there are likely three camps of women reading this: those who agree, those who are unsure but curious, and those who are mostly concerned about their male partner's reaction. Just for a second, let's remove the guy's opinion from the equation and just focus on you. Can we do that? Okay, let's go:
Sex Is More Than Intercourse
It can be easy to hyperfocus on penetration as the goal of sexual intimacy - but I'd like to propose another way of looking at your sex life. Physically, women have over 10,000 nerve endings in their clitoris (which extends throughout the labia - not just the bit under your clitoral hood). These nerve endings allow for heightened potential for enjoyment of outercourse.
What's outercourse, you ask? Consider the types of things that get considered "foreplay": grinding, oral sex, fingering... It's interesting that these are seen as being the ladder that leads to sex, when for many women, these types of touch can be more arousing than vaginal penetration. This is especially the case for women with vaginismus who experience searing pain (and emotional frustration) when attempting insertion.
For some women with vulvodynia, touching the vulva itself can also be painful. If this is your story, consulting with a professional will also be helpful to understand the root cause of your pain (for example, nerve damage could be at play). But until this step is taken, consider playing around with secondary erogenous zones rather than direct clitoral stimulation. More on this later...
So, if we are getting rid of the notion that all external sexual touch is only meant to lay out the carpet for intercourse... then what type of sexual play is possible? Non-penetrative touch that you can enjoy for its own sake?
Teasing and Secondary Erogenous Zones
The main secondary erogenous zones are:
neck
ears
inner thighs
lower back
feet
scalp
lips
naval/lower stomach
nipples
Please note that there may be some variation here, depending on the person. But, what do you think? Have you taken time to slow down and give some extra attention to these areas of your body?
By leaning more into your secondary erogenous zones, you can built a positive relationship with your sexual arousal that may have been interrupted by the signals of pain associated with penetration. Spend more time cultivating a sense of pleasure - even if it is subtle - so that you are not overcoming by anticipatory anxiety when your spouse initiates touch and closeness.
Low and Slow: Sensual Fingering
If you think of fingering as just another form of penetration, you'll miss out on its potential. Fingering may be a way to gently (and non-invasively) build your comfort with touch around your vulva. For many women with vaginismus, your body may freeze up, jerk away, or race with anxiety at even the slightest touch near your inner thighs and belly - let alone your vulva itself.
During intimate moments - those where you are bonding closely, feeling emotionally open, and feeling physically warm - you are more likely to become sexually aroused. Your body may be more receptive to your significant other's touch.
Rather than fingering to penetrate, your spouse will gently touch (and/or lightly massage) your labia and inner thighs. This isn't a "press the clitoris button and turn on the sexy machine" kind of situation. Instead, this is more of an erotic moment of connection and trust, where the nerve endings in your clitoris can be stimulated as you focus on your breathing and the warm connection of your partner's body being close to you.
If you would like to invite mild insertion of one or two fingers, you may - but this is completely optional and not necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment.
Instead, enjoy kissing, eye contact, and even allowing your spouse to alternate between touching your labia and your nipples for dual contact of sensitive areas.
Rock the Boat: "Dry Humping"
You have likely heard of the term "dry humping" before, but for those of you who have not, this refers to skin-to-skin sexual rubbing without penetration. With this type of touch, you may get in similar positions that you may use for intercourse (missionary, doggy style, cowgirl, etc.), but instead of trying to find an angle for penetration, you'll focus on rubbing your clitoris and labia against his penis. This type of position can be performed with or without clothes, depending on your level of comfort.
What if He Wants to Finish?
Let's bring the male opinion back into the mix. If your guy is also enjoying this type of stimulation - maybe to the point of wanting his "aha" moment - you may consider a few options. Some religious denominations (such as Catholicism) prohibit ejaculating outside of the vagina. In this case, you'll need to make sure that you have strong communication for slowing down or pausing before you reach his point of inevitability (the point of sexual arousal where ejaculation becomes imminent for the man). Give yourself a wider margin to avoid crossing into this territory.
For those who are open to orgasm and ejaculation, you may include your hand, a warm washcloth, or even a sex toy in the middle of your movement to simulate a penetrative experience. Use a condom if you are concerned about messiness.
Meet with a Sex Therapist Specializing in Vaginismus
As promised, we are back to my original recommendation: meet with a sex therapist who specializes in caring for individuals and couples with vaginismus. The truth of the matter is that sexual dysfunction can impact even the most healthy and loving of relationships. Your spouse may vocalize feeling rejected, even though they know that the pain is out of your control. Your spouse may avoid initiating sex, simply because they do not want to put you in a painful situation. Or, you may be in a relationship where your spouse's immaturity and impatience is making the entire situation worse.
I work with individuals and couples in the Atlanta, Georgia area who are working to improve symptoms of sexual pain - all while dealing with add-on variables like parenting and busy schedules, anticipatory anxiety, infertility, premature ejaculation, low sexual desire...you name it. The set of variables around your pain is unique, and that's why having an attentive eye focused on you and your spouse is so valuable (and takes things a step deeper than a one-way internet article can).
When you're ready, let's talk - or, reach out to a professional in your state. Enjoyable sexual intimacy is possible; and pain doesn't have to be your forever story.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.