I Have Anxious Attachment and Struggle with Feelings of Rejection. What Should I Do?
- Sade Jovanne
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
If you have anxious attachment, this is most likely not the first article you'll be reading (or, if it is, it certainly won't be the last). Let's talk about what to do with the feeling of rejection when you have an anxious attachment style.
What Does Anxious Attachment Feel Like?
Anxious attachment is feels like urgency. It's like your body and mind are on fire, running at a million miles per minute, trying to find every possible reason that your significant other is creating distance - and how to fix it. Like I said, I've been there.
The exact presentation of this attachment style my differ, but the engine is the same. You can't...stop. You can't risk giving space because you aren't sure that they will return. You seek reassurance that they care, but are never truly convinced of this - no matter what they say. You analyze each of their words, sure that they don't love you as much as you love them. And even if someone is very clearly not showing investment in you, you don't recognize your opportunity to leave and seek a more connected relationship. Instead, you press further into them, almost as if you were trying to convince them of your worth. Texts, calls, emails, one after the other, until you finally get them to respond in a way that is favorable and reassuring. Only then can your nervous system...breathe.
None of this is happening consciously, of course. It's more of an impulse. The whiff of smoke (them pulling away) tells your nervous system that there is a raging fire, and that you must do whatever you can to put it out.
It feels horrible. Truly. Your sense of calm is linked to whether or not the object of your desire responds, comforts you, sees you. And look - the innate need is good here. We, as humans, want to be seen, known, and loved. I reference this on every episode of my podcast. The difference is that, with anxious attachment, you may not detect danger - even when it is standing in front of you. You're likely to extend a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to commit to you or invest emotionally in your wellbeing. This may be someone with avoidant attachment, sure.... but it may also be another securely attached individual who simply isn't interested in furthering a relationship with you.
Ouch. That part hurts. It's the kind of stuff that anxious attachment does not want to hear. Sometimes, that feeling of rejection or not being wanted may spark a "lashing out" against the other person. But the way that you process rejection and/or unwanted space is an important part of healing and moving towards secure attachment.
The Way that You Interpret Rejection Matters
I have been seeing a trend on social media lately where individuals who have been hurt by a relationship will immediately label the scorning partner as "avoidant" or a "narcissist". As a therapist, I care deeply about not misusing or abusing diagnostic labels. So, for the record, I just want to put this out there:
It is perfectly normal for two humans to want different things. This does not mean that one of them is bad.
If someone does not want to invest in a relationship with you the way you'd want them to, this does not directly mean that they are avoidant or a narcissist
People can be selfish and self-centered. It takes a licensed psychologist or mental health professional to diagnose if they have narcissistic personality disorder. These two are not the same thing
When you are in an anxious flare, the pain may be so all-consuming that you will find comfort in labeling the other person as the "bad guy." But, may I offer an alternate angle to look at the situation?
Rather than focusing all of your energy on the other person and how much you hate or were hurt by them, look within.
What is the screaming emotional pain in your body telling you? I'll offer a potential answer (since I'm not able to hear your response through this screen). The emotional pain is telling you that this person isn't able to see, know, and care for you. That hurts, because you really, really, really wanted them to.
But, the message doesn't stop there. Yes, you are now learning that this person wasn't able (or willing) to care for you at the level you desired... but the other part of the equation is "...but I don't need them to do this for me."
Pause. What do you think about that?
You don't need this specific person to love you in order for you to be inherently loved and valuable.
Your value is not attached to this human
This is not your only opportunity to experience love
To some extent, you know this. You have heard it already. Whether you believe it or not is another factor entirely. But it's worth noting that, in the midst of rejection, the mind tends to have a hard time processing information this way. All it can feel is the pain, and the belief that the pain will always be there.
Yes, pain will likely be there for a little bit; disappointment and loneliness are human emotions. But...the pain doesn't have to stay. It doesn't have to become your identity.
Space is Not Inherently Bad, and Doesn't Necessarily Mean Rejection
Space is a healthy part of securely-attached relationships. We need space to pursue individual projects or interests, to rest and recover after a long day, or to gain clarity of mind. It can be easy for an anxiously-attached individual to forget the positive benefits of space - even for themselves. They may spend most of their alone time preoccupied with thoughts about their partner, about when they'll see them next, or analyzing why their partner doesn't want to spend more time together.
It may be true that your significant other is avoiding time together - but you do not have enough information to guess why.
I'll say that again: you do not have enough information to guess why someone else behaves the way they do.
Refrain from mind-reading or making assumptions. Refrain from interpreting their behavior with yourself as the central subject ("what did I do? Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me?"). Instead, focus on your relationship with space and self. This will give you more information than protest behaviors (such as excessively texting, calling or worrying) would.
Ask yourself, "would I be able to feel fulfilled in a relationship with this degree of space long-term?" If not, couples therapy would be a supportive environment for both partners to unpack the deeper needs of the relationship. For those who are single or dating, it may be that this specific person isn't quite the match you're looking for - and that you don't need to keep trying to force a connection.
Secondly, and maybe most importantly, it is also important to ask yourself if you have a healthy relationship with space - or if you rely heavily on others for your sense of identity. Please note: identity is different from belonging. Humans thrive in community and connectedness. Having friends or family members who genuinely care about you is instrumental to our overall sense of wellbeing. Belonging is good.
But if you find yourself demanding or expecting others to show up in a specific way for you, this could be a hint that you have extended beyond belonging and into codependent territory.
Learn to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Space
Instead of focusing on your partner, develop a healthy relationship with space - in time, location, and even mindset.
Space in time: Stop watching the clock for when they will or won't respond! Focus on your own tasks, and be present
Space in location: Spending every waking minute together may feel calming to your nervous system, but it also doesn't allow for the ability to develop a broader sense of community. Take some time apart to spend time with friends, family, or even time alone
Space in mindset: Even if you are apart, you may be preoccupied with thoughts about your significant other. Practice mindfulness by redirecting your thoughts to the present moment. Yoga, sports, music, and other hobbies that require a sense of engagement with the present moment may help
And, of course, therapy is an incredibly restorative environment to learn how to engage with secure attachment, boundaries, space, and healthy expectations for relationships. Over time, you'll notice that your body's flare-ups around rejection or space will be come less intense and less all-consuming. You'll also learn how to communicate without resorting to protest behaviors - and you will be able to choose friendships and relationships that reflect more securely-attached bonds.
The road to secure attachment will take effort, but it is entirely possible. You've got this.
work with myintimacytherapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.