I Think I Have Avoidant Attachment, and It's Impacting My Relationship
- Sade Jovanne
- 6d
- 3 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
If you are reading this, it's because you have already started your journey of self-reflection and have come upon the term "avoidant attachment." For those of you who are really new to the journey, I'll give you the Spark Notes version:
Avoidant attachment means that you pull away from emotional intimacy and closeness. It's uncomfortable. It's too much.
How to Tell if You Are Avoidantly Attached
While folks with avoidant attachment can get a bad rap, this attachment style is actually quite complex. It's not that avoidantly-attached individuals don't enjoy relationships; they just have limits to how much emotional depth and intimacy they can tolerate.
Basically, you are disconnected from your deeper emotional needs - and therefore are also disconnected from the emotional needs of others. Here are some ways to discern if you are avoidantly attached in your closest relationships. It could be that all of these apply, or only a select few:
You observe (and can tolerate) the emotions of others, but rarely experience emotions for yourself
If asked to describe why you feel a certain way, you genuinely don't have an additional explanation
When your significant other wants more from you (emotions, time, etc.), your first response is to feel uncomfortable or shrink away
You feel averse to the idea that you have "needs"; you'd genuinely say that you don't need anything from anyone
You don't have close relationships; everyone is an acquaintance at best
You ask about others (but never let them know you), or you never think to ask about how the other person is doing
You have a history of cheating and/or disconnecting from the relationship
You feel most comfortable with less frequent interactions with your significant other
How to Improve Your Relationships and Heal Avoidant Attachment
Start with Self
In order to improve your relationships, you must start with yourself. Individuals with avoidant attachment would very much benefit from one-on-one therapy because it provides a safe environment with minimal pressure.
If you attempt to begin working through your underlying attachment style with a significant other, their heightened emotions and unmet expectations are going to show up in the conversation (naturally so), which may make it harder for you to hear your internal voice. The red alarm bells in your nervous system will start shrieking, "Run! You can't be honest with them! Keep your feelings buried; they only cause problems!"
On the other hand, individual therapy can provide a non-biased, neutral environment with someone who has not been impacted by your distance or avoidance. You'll be able to approach the topic with a bit more breathing room. And while your therapist will encourage you to step into emotional discomfort, you will also learn how to process your thoughts and the information of your personal history that has been shoved into the back of your mind.
Then, Address Your Significant Other
Once you have started your own work, you'll be better equipped to understand and meet the needs of your spouse.
Depending on your relationship, there may be a lot of ground to cover. You have likely caused emotional wounds by avoiding your spouse, minimizing their needs, or even pushing them away. Note that it will be important to address these wounds first.
Then, by seeing and hearing each other, you can both address parts of you relationship cycle that may need to change in order to improve closeness. For example, if your spouse criticizes everything you do from the first minute you arrive home from work, you may have developed that habit of avoiding coming home because you feel that nothing positive will come from interacting with your spouse. We can address topics like these in a loving way, without erupting or shutting down.
It Is Possible to Heal Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment isn't locked in for the remainder of your life. You can move towards secure attachment by setting new values for your relationship, and by engaging in more relationships with secure individuals. This can mean friends, family members, and yes - your spouse.
Therapy, when done well, can offer a protected context for you to learn more about yourself, your patterns, and how to set yourself up well for the future. The first step begins with a consultation call or an email. I really do look forward to meeting you.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.