I Love My Spouse...but I'm Not Attracted to Him. Can Our Marriage Still Work with Attraction Issues?
- Sade Jovanne
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
Realizing that you are not attracted to your spouse can feel quite defeating - especially if you deeply care for and appreciate them as a person. You may push the thoughts aside, feeling that you are betraying them by even considering the issue. Even still, the reality of the situation is pushed to the forefront of your mind whenever your spouse attempts to initiate sexual intimacy.
In these moments, you have three options: (a) make up an excuse to delay the invitation, (b) say "no" outright and reject them altogether, (c) move forward with the act and ignore how you think or feel.
Spouses struggling with attraction may alternate between all three of these options until they realize that none of them are truly addressing the root issue. At the end of the day, intimacy doesn't feel quite complete unless honesty is also present.
So, where do we start?
Let's begin by addressing the "when" questions:
When did you first notice that you were not attracted to your spouse?
and
When are you attracted to your spouse, if ever?
When Did the Attraction Issues Begin?
I Used to Be Attracted to Them, But Now I'm Not
In this scenario, the beginning of your relationship was fueled by multilayered attraction: physical, emotional and mental. However, if this has changed, it may signal that something in the "recipe" of your attraction has changed.
Think of when you felt a more present attraction for your spouse. Now, consider how you see them presently. What differences do you notice?
On a relational level, there could be tension or breaches in trust that have made it difficult for you to feel desire for your spouse. Or, you may note that your spouse has stopped taking care of himself over the years, and his hygiene or overall sense of wellbeing has become a turn-off. It could also be that, over the years, you have grown apart without adapting to the changes in your personalities, interests, or values. Because of this, your spouse (or even the relationship itself) may feel completely foreign to you.
You may also want to consider internal changes that impact your sense of attraction directly. For example, some women may notice that by starting or stopping some medications, their hormones shift abruptly, significantly impacting libido.
For whichever reason that attraction has changed, your marriage can still find deep roots in the strong parts of your relationship - while you simultaneously work together to mend the underlying causes for the loss of physical connection and interest.
I Was Never Attracted to My Spouse
If you married someone that you were not physically attracted to from inception of your relationship, you may have hoped that attraction would develop as your relationship matured. Or, at the time, you felt that attraction was not the most important factor for starting a relationship with this person. You may still feel this way.
For many couples, shared values and interests are strong factors that bring them together - even if the other is not physically their type. While this bond does create a solid foundation for relationship, you may now be realizing that it doesn't directly translate into the romance department.
Attraction is a multi-faceted concept. A pre-existing lack of attraction would definitely merit deeper therapeutic work around what you'd like for attraction to mean in your relationship. Marriages can absolutely thrive where strong physical appeal is not present - but this takes awareness, honesty, and agreement from both spouses. If the other "legs" of your relational table are strong, you may choose to put more weight on those areas while unpacking different ways to approach arousal, initiation, and sexual intimacy.
However, if you do desire more physical attraction in your relationship, then your marriage will benefit from pursuing sex therapy as a way to understand your unique arousal palettes and the options available for creating a rich and fulfilling intimate life.
When Are You Attracted to Your Spouse?
Emotional Connection
For individuals with responsive desire, emotional connection is often a key ingredient in the recipe of attraction. Feeling known and genuinely cared about helps them to tap into openness and the desire to be closer together.
Conversely, if the relationship is filled with bickering, mean comments, criticisms or the silent treatment, that line of emotional connection will whither and die. With it, dies a sense of attraction. Even if your spouse is objectively handsome or beautiful, it's like a veil falls over your eyes and you can only see them as the enemy.
This will require a combined effort, but your attraction can grow in your marriage again if this root issue is addressed. Of course, it must be noted that you do not have control over whether or not your spouse wants to rebuild safe, intimate emotional connection with you again. If they are not willing to do the work alongside you, or if they continue to jeopardize safety in the relationship, then it would be completely logical for your attraction to remain blocked - or even morph into resentment.
However, if the two of you can come together to work on your areas of tension, you may find newfound attraction budding as a result of your attentiveness to each other.
Stress & Context
Sometimes, your lack of attraction may not have anything to do with your relationship - directly. If you have recently experienced a prolonged period (six months or more) of loss, grief, sleep deprivation, heightened stress at work, caretaking for a sick loved one, financial instability, relocation/social isolation, or other external stressors (the list goes on), you may notice a significant dip in attraction or even the perception of your spouse altogether.
Stress is taxing on the body and mind. And while some see sex as a source or relief from outside pressure, others may find that outside pressures completely suffocate any remaining embers of sexual interest.
In order for this type of lack of attraction to be revived, we would need to first address the source of stress in your life. Find a way to manufacture a solution or structure your life differently, in a way that helps mitigate the impacts of unavoidable sources of stress.
You likely do not have the mental capacity to think through solutions like these - so meeting with a solutions-focused or directive therapist can help you with practical approaches to overwhelming situations.
Yes, Your Marriage Can Still Work
There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to this issue, but it does invite thoughtful consideration about what you desire for your relationship. Some may decide that attraction issues are too significant of a barrier for a romantic relationship, while others may be curious about ways to increase romantic interest, even if white hot passion doesn't arrive. In either case, seeking sex therapy and consulting with a professional can be a helpful first step to untangling such a complex concern.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
