Don't be afraid of your heart's longings, friend.
Because you'll feel it. It's there, like a low hum. That feeling of mild discontent - random, out of nowhere, when you step out of the shower. The sense of missing, losing, missing, as you're watching your children play soccer. The sad smile as you take in a beautiful sunset, still wondering when the event you've been hoping, praying, yearning for will come to pass.
It's part of humanity. It's part of our DNA.
Spiritually, it's a perpetual incompleteness that cannot be solved. We chase and chase things on this Earth. For me, it's the fabric of romance and deep connectedness. For some, it's the satisfaction of winning, achieving, earning, dominating. For others, it may be the thrill of adventure, risk, the high.
We're all the same. We all want more. We think we know the one thing that will make it fit for us.
So I'm thinking of you right now. You may be in a marriage, and you love your partner, but something feels...off. Not enough. Or you, perhaps, have long forgotten the feeling of being in love with your partner. You've even passed the stage of wishing you could get it back. Now you're just, lonely. Bored. Annoyed. Done. You are easily irritable and their mere presence ruffles you. You don't want to be this way, but you're sure you would feel happy if you had someone else.
Whether that someone else is a different person, or a better, matured version of your current partner...I'm sure more happiness exists.
Happiness is brief.
It is a wisp.
Forgive our social media and our two-second snapshots that last two thousand years. Man, it angers me deeply. We're all tricked into believing that happiness is forever lasting because we see it, and we see it, and we see it, and we see it....
It's a wisp.
And it's a wave.
You'll have happiness, I'm sure of it. So much. It will come in seasons of abundance, as much as you are willing and equipped to hold. And, friend, we'll have sadness. Or discontent. Or frustration. We fight those though. We don't want them to be.
Can I propose to you that your deepest sense of Being exists beyond the waves of life? Beyond whatever it is that you're praying for? (No, no, I am not implying that the prayer is unimportant. It is very important. It is very dear to the Creator's heart. I believe He delights in our childlike whispers and guttural petitions more than we could understand).
There is more. A deeper, sweeter, truer, more concrete, infinitely permanent, infinitely near sense of joy... We are just distracted.
I just stepped out of the shower where I, too, felt the familiar wave of "sigh." Why? What's all this for? Why hasn't the prayer arrived? Why is the pain still present?
I implore you to at least understand that the issue isn't with your yet-to-be-answered prayer. The arrival of the thing isn't what can satiate the inner groanings.
Your first step, friend, is to breathe. Seek intimacy with yourself by allowing the hurt and being kind and tender to it. And be super excited when blessings and miracles and joy flow. And rest when life feels slow and steady. Be with it - don't anchor the meaning to these temporary events.