The Hidden Love Languages: Consideration and Effort
- Apr 6
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
In couples therapy, complaints like "I don't feel loved," or "you don't really care!" are quite common. The spouse on the other end of the accusation will often bristle, feeling defensive and misunderstood. "But I did XYZ! Doesn't that count?"
As the therapist observing these interactions, I've noticed a very strong - yet subtle - current running beneath these types of conversations. When one spouse dives deeper to try and explain what the other could do to help them feel loved, it seems that they are often pointing to two concepts: (a) consideration, and (b) effort.
Now, these are not the actual love languages outlined by Dr. Gary Chapman. I'm referring to the fuel behind an action that helps the receiver to truly feel seen and cherished. When these elements are missing, there seems to be a higher chance - particularly for fractured couples - that the effort doesn't quite land the way it is intended.
The Love Language of Consideration
Consideration. Forethought. Unprompted action.
However you want to phrase it, the knowledge that your spouse had you in mind without you having to remind them is deeply impactful. In the case of choosing a restaurant for dinner, a wife may feel considered if her husband finds a spot that has plenty of options for her vegan diet - rather than choosing a steakhouse that only suits his tastebuds. Or, a husband may feel considered if his wife sets up a special date night to celebrate his promotion at work, knowing all of the effort and hard work he has put in along the way.
Consideration reassures us that we are on our partner's mind, and that they naturally want to integrate us into their life. It communicates a sense of unity, togetherness, being in sync.
So it makes sense that when birthday plans are slopped together last minute, or one person makes solo plans without consulting with their partner first, it can create quite the sting. And, if this pattern has been repeated over years of a marriage, it can form the very solid belief of "my spouse does not consider me; therefore, my spouse does not love me."
The Love Language of Effort
We feel extra appreciation for an action when we know that someone put effort into it.
For example, if your spouse is buying coffee for themselves and surprises you by bringing home an extra cup just for you, this will certainly put a smile on your face. It's actually a great example of the "consideration" factor I mentioned above.
Now, if your spouse is heading home from work but chooses to drive in the opposite direction to get you a treat from your favorite restaurant, there are extra factors at play here. It was inconvenient. They had to drive across town, even though they were tired and traffic was heavy. They put in effort.
Knowing that someone places value on your comfort or happiness, even at the expense of their time and energy, is truly humbling. Now, please hear me: by no means am I saying that all actions have to be inconvenient or a "heavy lift" in order to communicate love. Not at all.
But in couples with rocky connection, the belief that the other person truly cares about the relationship gets eroded over time, partially due to the lack of effort a spouse is willing to invest. Consider this:
Example 1:
Spouse A mentions that the couple has not recently had a date night. Spouse B agrees and states that they definitely should. However, over the next few weeks, Spouse B does not mention anything about a date night again. Spouse A returns to the topic, asking Spouse B when they are free to go out. Spouse B says, "I'll check my work schedule," but again, does not return to the topic.
Example 2:
Spouse A suggests to Spouse B that the couple may benefit from couples therapy. Spouse B is reluctant, but agrees that it could help the relationship. Spouse A begins searching for couples therapists. A few nights later, Spouse A asks B if they have found anyone they'd be interested in. Spouse B says, "oh, no, I forgot." A few weeks later, Spouse A revisits the conversation. Spouse B says, "I haven't gotten a chance to look."
Eventually, Spouse A chooses the therapist. The couple attends therapy, and feel that it is a good start. The therapist gives homework to be completed before the next session. In the waiting room before the second session, Spouse A asks B if they brought their homework. Spouse B is stunned. "I didn't know that we had homework."
In patterns like the ones mentioned above continue for years within a relationship, spouses may come to the conclusion that they are unloved or undesired by their partner because their spouse does not unilaterally invest effort into the health of the relationship.
What You Can Do Now
Affirm the Times that You Do Feel Loved
When your tank is running low on affection, it is natural to default to the negative. Words like, "you never" or "you always" are more likely to flow from your mouths - with great injury to the safety and stability of your bond. And, hey - it may be that you do truly feel these things. You do feel that your spouse never makes effort, or that they always find a reason to skip out on a date.
But over time, a dangerous dynamic can develop. If one person feels criticized, they may begin to withdraw and take less risks of vulnerability. This withdrawal causes the other to feel abandoned and unappreciated - which increases their anger and frustration in the relationship. This spike in anger then ignites an equal response of resentment in the other spouse. Eventually, conversations about date night are theoretical in nature, because neither spouse wants to be around the other anymore!
By highlighting and affirming gratitude for the times that you do feel loved by your partner, you'll be able to prevent resentment from taking root. The little gestures count, even if they feel like a drop in the ocean. Expressing gratitude can only bring positive impact to your connection.
Meet with a Couples Therapist
If your communication dynamic is frozen in a cycle of unmet expectations and failed attempts at resolution, this may be a difficult pattern to break on your own. The resentment may be too deep, and you may have little to no faith in your partner's ability to adequately care for your heart.
In meeting with a couples therapist, you'll be able to receive direct insight into the deeper layers that cause resistance in your relationship. For example, there may be a core belief that you and/or your partner have developed from past interactions, that are now preventing you from opening up and being vulnerable. Or, you may have a blind spot that continuously causes snags in conflict resolution. There could also be an undiagnosed mental health concern at play - such as depression, ADHD or anxiety - that makes it difficult for your spouse to see and meet your emotional needs.
Couples tend to want to tackle their marital issues on their own, but there comes a point where a trained professional will be most helpful to getting you out of the mud. A therapist will also be able to say things to your spouse - and to you - that may otherwise not be received. With consistent training and practice (in-session and out-of-session), you'll develop the skills and confidence needed to nurture the love in your relationship.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
