What is an Unconsummated Marriage?
- Apr 8
- 5 min read
Hey there,
I'm Sadé (shah-day). I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia and a certified sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapy. I specialize in addressing the intimacy issues that keep couples avoidant and distant. If you are looking to understand your breakdowns in intimacy and make lasting change, you're in the right place.
Let's dive in....
You were disappointed when sex didn't happen on the honeymoon, but you weren't too worried about it.
After all, life had been busy. You'd come off of the high of your wedding - a time where you stood in front of friends and family and proclaimed your love before dancing the night away. Then there was the travel for your honeymoon and being in an unfamiliar destination. And during the honeymoon, your days were spent with exploration and letting all of the feelings sink in.
So, when you tried for penetrative sex and it didn't quite work, you were...okay, at first. "We have the rest of our lives to practice," you may have whispered to your honey with a mischievous smile.
But then a sexless honeymoon became a sexless first year. And as year one approached year two, you were no longer okay. Something was wrong. Why was this so easy for everyone else - for the friends announcing their pregnancies or their sleepless nights of passion - but so difficult for you? Initiating sex became less frequent, and when either of you did initiate, you felt a sense of awkwardness and hesitation.
You know that you love each other. Of course you do. But when you are alone with your thoughts, you wonder, "if we love each other, why won't our bodies cooperate?" Amidst the many unsuccessful attempts, both you and your spouse began to feel a bit...jaded. Discouraged. "Will this even happen for us?" Soon, you realize this isn't a problem that you can solve on your own.
You need help.
In my work as a sex therapist in Atlanta, the topic of unconsummated marriages comes up more often than you might think. After all, it's an uncomfortable topic to speak about with others. People rarely gather around with a group of friends and announce, "yeah, we got married nine months ago and haven't had sex once! How is your day going?"
While unconsummated marriages can affect a variety of groups, I'll focus specifically on those with a Christian faith background (since that's typically who I work with). When couples save sex for marriage or try to pursue abstinence (for the most part), a very specific challenge can develop on the other side of "I do". After shutting down their sexual desires for months or years, they discover that their sex drives won't quite turn back on, even as newlyweds. Years of practicing pouring water on the flame has trained their bodies and minds to...well...not ignite a flame.
So, you can be a couple that loves and cares deeply for one another - but has trouble finding the spark of romance and passion. Or, the spark is there - but the your bodies are still on high alert, keeping you safe from the activity that is supposed to be "bad". If you think about it, you really can empathize with your body's response. It's as if it's saying, "hey, but you said not to do this. You made it very clear. Why are we doing it now?!"
How Do We Work Towards Having Intercourse?
In sex therapy, the path towards achieving your goal of penetrative sex will include psychological and relational assessments - while also encouraging you to set an appointment with your reproductive health physician for a physical assessment.
Psychologically, sex therapy will help you to carve a new pathway for your brain that identifies sexual arousal, interest, and thoughts as good things to share with your spouse. Remember, if you were pursuing abstinence (successfully or not), your brain essentially created a brick wall about 100 feet high, warning you to stay away from lustful thoughts. Your brain did not have a framework that would say "yes, but with this person, sexual thoughts can be loving." That's what we will create.
Physically, we will develop a comfort and familiarity with your arousal, while also helping you understand what is arousing to you, and when. (When? What does that mean?). In a few other articles on this website, you'll see that I talk about the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire - and how that greatly affects the timing of when your bodies come together. This may be new information to you both, as you likely have not shared time and space to the extent that you do in marriage. It's one thing to feel turned on during a 2-hour movie on a Friday date night; it's another thing to understand arousal through the mundane and often un-sexy moments of everyday life.
And to expound on the concept of understanding your arousal, it's worth noting that while many young men may have gotten some informal sex ed from pornographic websites (not only men, but very often men), this information often sets up unrealistic and inapplicable expectations for sexual functioning in marriage. It is also common that women in the Church enter marriage with little to no understanding of their sexual urges or interests after being told for so long that men were the ones who needed to be protected from stumbling, and that women were either pure angels or dangerous temptresses. And without a penis to signal "hey, you like that thing," women may be unaware of the subtle ways that their arousal does express itself.
Sex Therapy (for those who come from a Christian background)
In either case, we'll start from the ground-up with intimacy-forward sexual education training in the safe context of sex therapy. No question is off limits. You are not expected to already know X or have an answer to Y. This is your space to reflect, to understand your spouse, and to build a vision for healthy, emotionally-intimate sexual enjoyment in your marriage.
When I mention "Christian sex therapy," I'm referring to the infusion of your personal faith history into the way that your mind understands your sex life. I'm sure you know that even within the Christian faith, there are a plethora of diverse beliefs about sexual intimacy. In Christian sex therapy, your preferences, boundaries, fantasies and reservations are all brought to the table for guided conversation and co-construction with your spouse.
One spouse may enter the marriage with a history of porn use, while the other was a true virgin. Or what if a man discovers that he has a low sex drive, but his wife was expecting to be adored and desired sexually on a daily basis?
In sex therapy, the goal is to create safety and intimacy what will allow for both spouses to feel seen, heard, loved, and united. To practice fruits like patience, kindness and gentleness - while also wrestling with the raw and messy nature of sexual intercourse.
So, We Won't Have an Unconsummated Marriage Forever?
Intercourse will come (no pun intended)!
It's important to note that your relationship is whole whether or not you are currently active with sexual intercourse. But the beauty of being physically intertwined is an experience unique to your marital relationship - so of course you are going to be enthusiastic about finding a way to bring resolution to this area.
Within sex therapy, we can work together to identify the factors that create the wall for you both sexually - whether it be unresolved history, physical conditions, mental health barriers, unhealthy beliefs.... anything at all, really. Once the challenges have been identified, we can begin setting a course of action to move towards a fun, free, emotionally-intimate sex life.
work with my intimacy therapist
Don't avoid the issue anymore.
Let's chat; I'd love to support you towards a solution.
