Q: I want to have more sex, but I'm having trouble getting mentally ready. What should I do?
First step accomplished: you see and recognize that you want to connect sexually with your significant other. That's great!
Second step: consider taking a quick trip to your OB/GYN and general physicians. So many factors can complicate our experience of desire and arousal, including certain antidepressants, hormonal imbalances, and/or chronic illness. It could be that there's a simple tweak needed in your medication, or an underlying phenomenon that could use more professional attention. Don't be afraid to get those answers - you're one step closer to a solution!
If you're looking at your situation and really feel it's just a matter of helping yourself feel sexy (or better express your existing desire), I think I can help. Here are just a few ideas of ways that you can move your desire for sex into real life!
1. Create a Sacred Space
It could be that, when your sweetie caresses you in the bedroom or living room, you're distracted by the pile of bills on the dresser, the kids' toys on the floor, or the dishes in the sink. Create a space where you are free to say "yes!" - a space where intimate connection is protected, and the daily life stressors are not allowed. This could mean transitioning your kiddos to sleeping in their own room rather than co-sleeping, or removing the television from your bedroom. It could mean cleaning the kitchen as you prepare your mind for lovemaking later that evening. It could even mean booking a hotel room or Airbnb (if it's in the budget) for a weekend getaway every now and then. Whatever you do, you're putting it into action: our sexy time is important to me, and this is the space I'm creating for it!
2. Use Your Mind!
Oftentimes, sexual readiness starts in the mind. Women have the ability to become aroused, engage in lovemaking, and experience multiple orgasms: how awesome is the female body?! However, a lack of mindfulness or awareness of the body's signals can widen the gap between the opportunity for sexual connection (that is, the body is ready to build in its physiological arousal) and our embracing of this moment (the mind is on board and agreeing to pursue or receive).
Take some time out from your day and let your mind wander through a sexual story where you and your partner are present. It could be an experience you've had together recently, or something you think you'd enjoy doing. Let yourself envision that time together (or write it down, if that helps!) and how you would allow yourself to proceed. Be mindful of, or sensitive to, the sensations that arise in your body. Don't judge those feelings as "good" or "bad" or "not fast enough" or whatever.... simply let it happen. Stay in that moment.
Later on, share your thoughts with your hubby - and maybe let him know what you'd like to try!
3. The Gift Idea
This one is for those who enjoy lingerie or sensual undergarments.
There is much to say about mental and physical preparation for a sexual experience. Believe it or not, I'm pro-"Planned Sex." For some couples, it can be unrealistic to assume that in a schedule packed with dance recitals, soccer practices, work trips and business meetings, sex will always "spontaneously" occur. If you've got a date on the calendar - a "sacred space," so to speak - where your time as a couple is protected, you can transition your mind into a state of readiness. How?
Pick out your favorite pair of undergarments - the ones that make you feel confident and accentuate your already-existing beauty. You may need to purchase a special pair just for this occasion. If it's comfortable enough, put on your lingerie at the beginning of the day or a few hours before you know you'll connect with your sweetheart. Embody this sexual part of yourself throughout the day; really own it. Walk in full confidence and posture yourself with knowledge that you are feminine, rare, and immaculately created. Your curves, stretch marks, scars - they all tell your story, and sexual connection is allowing another person to witness, enjoy, and share our story.
Then, once the time has come to connect with your person, you've already started some of the process of transitioning into a mindset where insecurities, doubts, and negative self-talk are not allowed. Enjoy the freedom of this type of sexiness!
Bonus: If you're feeling a bit spicy, share a sneak preview with your partner before he gets to be with you!
Remember, everyone is unique, so use this as a guideline to explore where you'd like to take your desire! If you run into any confusing occurrences or communication issues with your partner, consider seeing a therapist (like myself) to get some help mediating the conversation! You can do this. Have fun!